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[Jul. 16th, 2010|08:00 am] |
Why don't the voices in my head ever tell me to do something productive, like put knife down, release the hostages, and get an MBA?
It's about screws? All this time I thought righty-tighty, lefty-loosey was political commentary.
I told my wife we should name our kids Gandhi Lincoln, Rosa Barton and Hitler bin Laden McVeigh. That way there'd be no doubt as to who the black sheep of the family is.
I don't like to toot my own horn, but there was no avoiding it when the late-shift crew at the Johannesburg Taco Bell shoved my vuvuzela up my drunk ass.
Aren't you glad we found out the earth is round before we sent astronauts up into space? I'll bet that first guy would've been all freaked out.
My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew into him but my co-workers keep saying, "Not yet, let's wait for a special occasion."
The Top Ways to Get in Shape for Bikini Season
- 1. Kidnap bikini model. 2. Remove her clothing. 3. Tie her to bed with leather restraints. 4. Don black hood and loincloth. 5. Um, sorry, what was the question?
- Eat healthy foods, exercise moderately, select swimsuits that complement your figure, and kill everyone thinner than you.
- Start interviewing for a body double to attend functions and wear the bikini for you.
- See if they make permanent full-body Spanx.
- Daily practice using your peripheral vision (men only).
- Feed Twinkies to everyone else, there by making you look bikini-ready by proxy.
- Mow my lawn! No, seriously. Two hours twice a week pushing a mower up a 30-foot hill. Call me.
- Give up, move to New Zealand and start training now for THEIR bikini season.
The Top Signs Your Neighbor Is a Russian Spy
- He keeps calling you Conrad when your name is Bill.
- Gets everyone's attention by banging his flip-flop on the picnic table.
- Her: Beautiful Russian babe with the hots for you.
You: Boring computer geek who works for the State Department. It's not your C++ skills, Poindexter.
- "Please, fellow American Maple Lane neighbor, I would like be borrowing cup of secret-- sugar! Cup of sugar."
- Her iPhone 4 mysteriously sends and receives communications.
The Top Benefits of Being Lindsey Lohan's Jail Guard
- Chances of being overpowered and beaten during escape attempt: Virtually zero. Chances of contacting secondhand herpes: 23%.
- You can sell those pics of her sober for BIG bucks!
- Still better than guarding Bernie Madoff.
- Make her sign for each meal, resulting in your earning extra $3 per day on eBay.
- You can forget about her after 8 hours, just like her parents.
- Future royalties for all those "E! True Hollywood Story" interviews.
- Once you've had lonely, confused, frightened celebrity sex, you'll never go back.
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