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[Jun. 21st, 2010|07:59 am] |
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you shit, flambe that bad boy in a paper bag and leave it on life's doorstep. That'll teach the arrogant asshole.
If I were an astronaut who landed on the moon, the first thing I would say is, "Hey, you can see my house from up here!" It would probably make the other astronauts laugh, or at least make them think I had a really big house.
The Top Ways a Toddler Is More Destructive Than a Hurricane
- Hurricanes aren't cute enough for you to want to forgive them later.
- Hurricanes come with danger warnings.
- Hurricanes pelt you with high winds and rising waters for two days straight. With toddlers, the destruction lasts for years.
- Let's just say that if we retired toddler names for the kind of destruction that makes them retire hurricane names, we'd be naming kids "Zizzy" by now.
- A toddler's scream is way over the decibel rating of a Category 5 storm.
- A hurricane has a fairly predictable path and runs out of energy as it runs into solid objects.
- To the best of our knowledge, a hurricane has never grabbed the cat's tail and forced it into an electrical socket.
- Storm surge? Wait till you see a mac-and-cheese surge.
- The eye is right at crotch level.
The Top Helpful Hints You May Try to Forget
- "No good can come from seat belts. Everyone I ever talked to who had an auto accident was wearing one."
- A flimsy plastic kite can be reinforced with dried human skin.
- Possum: Low carb, high protein and twice as rich in antioxidants as squirrel meat.
- When your Li'l Jagermeister gets buck fever at the urinal, just picture Osama bin Laden's face at the bottom of the bowl and release the hounds!
- Always remember: Beer coming up the esophagus has the right of way.
- If you don't need to use a death grip on the rails in the handicap stall two days later, it wasn't a big enough steak.
- In a pinch, one roll's worth of toilet paper can substitute for a dining room tablecloth. And vice versa.
- When feeding the cows, never wear your bale-of-hay underwear.
- If you have to explain to her why you put your penis in it, salvaging the relationship isn't worth the effort.
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