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[Jun. 4th, 2010|07:53 am] |
I've had it up to *here* with saluting.
I used to work at a place where people got all pissy when I told dirty jokes. Screw them *and* their vow of silence.
Two heads are better than one. Unless, of course, you find them in a paper bag on the passenger seat of your car.
I really enjoy sex on a train. Maybe it's the rocking motion or the roaring noise the train makes. Or maybe it's the reaction on the face of the person in the next seat.
If I were a pirate and lost my hand, instead of a hook, I would get a big spoon. Sure, it may look funny, and the other pirates might tease me, but there's always a chance we could plunder a ship full of pudding, and who'd be laughing then?
Kelly Preston, aka Mrs. John Travolta, is 47 years old. And pregnant. 47 seems a bit old to be with child, no?
The Top Signs You Are Too Old to Be Pregnant
- You furnished the nursery with three months' worth of Social Security checks.
- You're a child of the '60s. The 1860s.
- Your retirement complex doesn't allow children.
- Nursing will be easy since the baby can reach your boobs from the floor.
- You look forward to stretch marks instead of the wrinkled saggy skin.
- You tell the doctor you don't need a disabled parking tag because you already have one.
- You're both going to be toothless and eating baby food.
- By the time the baby is born you'll both be in diapers.
The Top Ways to Hide Your Pet from the Landlord
- Now's the perfect time to discover for yourself what it's like to have a weasel in your pants.
- A white beard for you, a pair of foam antlers for the cat.
- Dressing your dog up as your girlfriend works at family reunions, so why wouldn't the landlord buy it?
- Artistic use of colored tissue paper, a glue gun and wire can transform the average house cat into a faux pinata.
- Keep pets' passports and plenty of cash in a handy place in case they have to skip the country for a few weeks.
- Attach stem and bowl; drill carb hole in aquarium; invite landlord to toke up.
- Shave your Golden Retriever's tail and complain that you have an infestation of giant Bolivian long-haired rats.
- Wrap the Shih Tzu in aluminum foil, pass him off as an AIBO.
- Put her by the leaky faucet that hasn't been fixed in TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS!
- Let your landlord just go ahead and TRY to find that chameleon.
The Top Politically Correct Ways to Fire Someone
- "As of today, you’re on an equal-opportunity basis with John Q. Streetbum."
- "How long a vacation can you take this millennium?"
- Have the 400-pound ex-linebacker from Samoa in shipping break the news, because everyone appreciates a little diversity at work.
- "The firm is committed to preserving scarce resources, such as senior management bonus funds."
- "Everyone who still has a job, stand up. Hey, sit down, Pete!"
- Mandate a cleaner workspace. Cleaner… got it.
- "Unemployed" implies a value judgment. Think of it as being "differently occupied."
- Same as before: Kick him out the door into the cold, cruel world without so much as a thank you. But feel guilty afterwards.
The Top Worst Ending Lines of a Military Novel
- "Tell me again, Sarge; are these grenade fuses set at three, five or-BOOOM!!!!!"
- Through it all, his weapon had been his friend, his savior, his confidant and his lover.
- As the soldier took his dying breath, he heard the man giving him last rites say "No, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night."
- "And they lived happily ever after!"
- He had learned that valor was bigger than bravery, and honor was bigger than valor, and sacrifice was bigger than honor, and war was just brutal and confusing.
- General Tomilson thought to himself as he signed his retirement papers: "Sure, I may have had more casualties under my command than any other officer in American history, but at least I never used any performance-enhancing drugs in GETTING that record."
- And so this war ended just like it had begun for Cpl. Avery: locked in the latrine.
- Commodore Pinks didn't really have any final thoughts, as he was dead just like the rest of his crew. |
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