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[May. 6th, 2010|08:07 am] |
I believe you can learn a lot from spending time around small children -- assuming you don't already know what a cow says or what the damn wheels on the damn bus do.
Finding out that my husband was also my long-lost brother was really icky at first, but there's a bright side to everything. When our son had to chart his family tree for school, he only had half the work as the other kids.
You know that scene in the movies when the guy reaches across and rips off his rubber face and everyone gasps? I pulled that trick at a party, ripping my face off -- and everyone *did* gasp. Maybe I should have worn a rubber mask.
I think the lottery would be more exciting if they drew TWO different sets of numbers: first set, to see who wins the money; second set, to see who gets executed. With my luck, I'd have both tickets.
The local camping supply store sells "astronaut ice cream." They must think we're fools -- everyone knows there are no cows in space.
Guns don't kill people; *people* kill people. Well, unless it's a large, talking robot gun whose central chip, pre-programmed for good, is corrupted by some mad-scientist bad guy hell-bent on destroying all humankind, but then it isn't really Gunnar the Talking Gun's fault. Which goes back to what I said originally, unless the scientist is also a robot.
The Top Signs You've Pissed Off Apple Computer
- You come to in the ice-filled bathtub just in time to see a guy in a black turtleneck walking away with your liver.
- At your family's Fourth of July picnic, your mother snarls, "No pie for you, Windows-boy!"
- You awaken from a roofie-induced stupor in some Silicon Valley Dumpster with an iPad jammed in your aHole.
- Pee in your coffee? There's an app for that.
- In the latest Mac commercial, Justin Long is still Mac, John Hodgman is still PC, and you're cast as a Sylvania black and white TV with a twisted-up clothes hanger for an antenna.
The Top Signs Someone Is an Illegal Alien
- Whenever Kiefer Sutherland appears on TV, he immediately leaps out the window.
- Doesn't appreciate the robust, frothy goodness that is Budweiser beer.
- If within a 250-mile radius, Glenn Beck's tinfoil hat starts to pulsate and give off sparks.
- Invites the Census worker in, gives her a cup of coffee and cookies and politely answers every question with a smile.
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