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[Apr. 9th, 2010|08:07 am] |
If I lived in a country rife with civil unrest, I'd always hold the door for my dates, because you never know when a bomb is on the other side. Plus, I'd only date really large ladies.
I called it living by the wise words of Gandhi who once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." The arresting officer and the presiding judge, however, both called it "public indecency while directing traffic in the nude." Live and learn.
It just isn't fair... I never had any juvenile impulses at all until after I was old enough to be tried as an adult.
Concern has arisen as the London Olympics face a "tight" financial situation as they close in on Summer of 2012. Nobody wants to see Olympics Games done on the cheap, though -- so how can the British keep the costs down?
The Top Ways England Can Cut Corners on the Olympics
- Cancel all men's swimming events and just hand Michael Phelps a pizza-sized gold medal.
- Replace doping blood tests with Amy Winehouse licking athletes' backs.
- Keep attendance down at all events by using authentic British chefs for the catering.
- Simultaneously support field events and address pigeon problem by holding javelin toss in Trafalgar Square.
- Try international diplomacy: China will gladly bail out your sorry asses if you allow their 5-year-old gymnasts to compete.
Even though General David Petraeus, the 4-star Army general who serves as the combatant commander of US Central Command, has said he's NOT running for President, that hasn't stopped the drive to draft him from some enthusiastic fans. Just in case he changes his mind like a few other old soldiers (Washington, Jackson, Grant, Eisenhower, Wes Clark), here are some slogans for the 2012 election.
The Top General Petraeus Campaign Slogans
- In your heart, you know he's the best shot
- Just like in the Army, he's behind you all the way
- Pick the guy whose name ends in "U-S"
- Petraeus: He's generally right
- It's called a general election for a reason
- Petraeus: Surge protector
- A combat leader who can make Congress drop and give him 20
- We crave Dave
The Top Signs You Shouldn't Have Taken That Last Bite
- The button on your pants just projectiled off and killed your waiter.
- Onlookers try pushing you into the water.
- You've just realized that you'll need 44 hours on the elliptical to burn that off.
- Your belt has to be surgically removed.
- Your liver has sent you a Dear John letter.
- Your belly button isn't so much an "outie" as an "outie and dragging on the floor-ie."
- You're so fat, they kicked you off Southwest. No, not the airline. The entire South West.
- The acupuncturist put the first needle in and you exploded.
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