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karlowich:

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Chuck Norris once earned his MD by beating 84 Doctors in the game Operation.

The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris shot and killed a man with a laser tag gun.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.


When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris can make mute people scream.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.

Objects in Chuck Norris' rear view mirror are closer than they should be. They are making a grave mistake.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris divides by zero.

Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut grass, he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Vin Diesel can be re-arranged to say, "I end lives". Screw that; Chuck Norris can be re-arranged to say "Chuck Norris", Which means the same thing.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

Chuck Norris once visited Heaven. Needless to say, no one will be getting their 72 virgins.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris is the reason the devil went down to Georgia and not Texas.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.

The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris prefers to kill people with their own bare hands.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris only needs one to tango.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.

It is widely known that Houdini died when a kid punched him in the stomach. What isn't widely known is that kid was Chuck Norris.

The Terminator once went back in time to kill Chuck Norris. He found only a note from Chuck reading "Bitch lips-- I have already traveled to the future and am currently beating your ass there, when I return I'll bring a piece of your metal ass back with me and beat you with that in the present."

The most powerful Yu-Gi-Oh! card is the Chuck Norris Card. Once brought into play, all other cards spontaneously burst into flames. Chuck Norris will then jump out of the card and roundhouse kick you and everyone else for playing such a gay game.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.


Chuck Norris doesn't give 110%. Chuck Norris gives nothing to nobody, and takes whatever the fuck wants.

Chuck Norris was actually Martin Luther King's dream.

If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.