| Euronymous |
[8. Feb 2008|16:53] |
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Black Metal Ist Krieg
How to make Black Metal:
* 1) Make the most simple guitar riff you can come up within an hour of fucking around, remember it - you'll be playing it for a while, so invent something that won't strain your hand, and will still allow you to manually stimulate your pet goat after the gig. Do keep in mind that melodies are for emo fags.
* 2) Don't even bother with a rhythm guitar; your bathroom sink, when turned on full blast, will compensate for the lack of one.
* 3) Hammer as quickly as possible on a drum-kit; in a pinch, tape-record a jackhammer and use that sound. (This can be more technical than the guitar)
* 4) Use an old bass and repeat the same riff throughout your entire album.
* 5) Think of an angry sentence and repeat it and occasionally add words such as "North, Grim, Necro, Heil, Forest ect".
* 6) Growl the word "SATAN" in the background of howling wolves or ringing chains at least one time through the song, hoof beats are good for a change.
* 7) Make up your album title from three random evil/angry words. Best examples from Black Metals motherland: Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Death Cult Armageddon, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Godless Savage Garden, Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, etc. (All by Dimmu Borgir - the tr00 masters ov black metal album titles)
* 8) Repeat 3 times making minor changes.
* 9) Record it on tape with your dads old barely-functional tape recorder
* 10) Kill yourself, leaving a humorous goodbye note, that could possibly be used in a later song by the rest of the surviving members if they discover it before their stabbing contest.
* 11) get yourselves some cool names - maybe steal them from someone elses song titles, or pets, or failing that, something that sounds cold with a couple of 'oths' for best effect. Note : If you find a cooler Nickname than the previous nickname...Officialise it till you find a cooler nickname. Alternatively, you can use the words for "Death" or "Hate" in a foreign language.
* 12) Put it all together and you have your first demo!
* 13) If you decide to do a live gig, remember to wear "corpse paint" that was trite when KISS did it in 1977 and is even tackier today, as many large nails per square inch on leather as you can carry on your arms, maybe a bullet belt or two - for that medieval look. You could kill a few animals on stage, stick the carcass' on pointy things, nail some people to crosses, and try to draw peoples attention away for your nonexistant musical talent and get them angry. At this point release the faggot you caught and tortured earlier and let him loose into the crowd. No fake blood at a true black metal gig.
* 14) As in all metal, pissing people off is key. The more Nazi, sexist, violent, misanthropic, bloody and anti-Christian sentiments you have in your music, the better.
* 15) And most importantly: Take yourself far to seriously!
Have fun!
[edit] Spelling and Diction in Black Metal
How To sound necro:
* 1) Make everything look like Norwegian. For example don't say Black Metal when you can say Blækk Mettal
* 2) Add senseless adjectives: Why say Blak Metal when you can say Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
* 3) Use the words tru, grim, necro and fuck as gratutiously as possible. Why say Norsk Arisk Blak Metal when you can say Fucking Tru and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
* 4) Randomly start sounding like a 13 year old AOLer. Why say Fucking Trve and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say Fucking Tr00 and K\/|_T Gr1m N3cr0 N0rsk Arisk Blak M3htul??
* 5) Actually, the best thing still is to simply add as many senseless adjectives as possible, as long as they are fucking trve: Why say Fucking Tr00 and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Frostbittene Hatefvl Kold Pvre Elitist Satanic Icy Norwegian Raw Pagan National-Socialist Suicidal Blasphemic Fistfvkking Panzerkrieg Orthodox Hellfyred Mysanthropik Hyperspeed Diabolikal Goat-Worshipping Germansk Hedensk Necro Norsk Arysk Blækk Mettal????
* 6) DER FVKK. DER KVLT DIZVGREZZ GRYM DAATH TO VLL
* 7) Put the word Panzer in at least one of your releases. Being unoriginal is the tr00 way to be kvlt.
[edit] How to write Black lyrics
The main keyword to write blak grim kvlt necro lyrics is : Christ killing,child raping, goat shagging non pagan whore: This would actualy be said as :ARGHHHHHHH RGGRRHRHRRHRHRHR:. This is just the basic text. True talents add more words to the text like : 'satan' or 'blood' or 'raaah'. Some true geniuses add random German words (example : 'Black Metal ist krieg'). It's important to know where to stop. You shouldn't add too many words to the basic text, because that's too mainstream and not kvlt at all. After you have the basic structure of your song, place the text into an online translator and translate it to Norwegian. Then translate the translated text back into English. Give the song a name in German. The finished product should be in the LANGUAGE OF THE BEAST! And that makes it ultra-hardcore.
[edit] Can I play Black Metal?
This question has a lot of paths. First of all, it is not necessary to know how to play guitar, it is not necessary to know how to play the bass or even the drums, and something that is very common,it is not necessary to know how to sing, because the only sounds that you need you can find them in the WC when you have been eating tacos or burritos with chilli. Take care when you are invocating the Lord of the Darkness, because He doesn´t like little stupid bands of people wearing make-up trying to say everywhere/time - Satan!!!!
With this said, many people don't realize that Black Metal bands are actually grunting the following:
"Satan!" -- Is actually "Suntan!" "Death!" -- Is actually "Deaf!" (as in "I'm going deaf by listening to this music.") "Evil!" -- Is actually a "Weavil" "I Am Going to Kill You!" -- Is actually "I am going to give you a big hug!" |
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