''Environmentalists look at the gun, the car and the jet engine as instruments of Satan, but the mosquito has killed more than all three put together''

''Human females like to drive massive four-wheel-drive cars; it suits their need to kill as many other road users as possible''

''It’s entirely unfair that some people are born fat or ugly or dyslexic or disabled or ginger or small or Welsh''

''In two million years man managed to discover only three important things: fire, the fact that wood floats, and the horse''

''People who don’t have a PlayStation or an account with MyBook. People who don’t go out on a Saturday night. We’re called adults''