| Saturday, January 4th, 2014 |
| 12:12 am |
fuck off, dad says FML http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/21014175 Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML |
| Thursday, January 2nd, 2014 |
| 11:38 pm |
Purplexus says FML http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/21014050 Today, I watched my father attempt to light a cigar with the stove and end up burning off some hair and eyebrows. He tried to play it cool, said, "Haircuts are too expensive these days anyway." and walked out, his head smoking. This man is a college professor. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Babs says FML http://www.fmylife.com/love/21014028 Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Anonymous says FML http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/21013942 Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Anonymous says FML http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21013681 Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Vincent says FML http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21013669 Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Anonymous says FML http://www.fmylife.com/animals/21013459 Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Okay_Then says FML http://www.fmylife.com/work/21013314 Today, a customer started a conversation by telling me how smart he'd heard I am, and finished it by explaining his theory that only smart people commit suicide. He then gave me a knowing look and said, "Just something I thought you should think about," and left without buying anything. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Calcium Problems says FML http://www.fmylife.com/health/21013173 Today, my mother is in the hospital because, against my insisting otherwise, she stopped taking her calcium pills. Why? Dr. Oz told the whole country to stop taking all calcium supplements. This is the man who just had a ghost-whisperer on his show and presented it as real science. I'm a doctor. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Crashed says FML http://www.fmylife.com/love/21012945 Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. My wife got pissed when I didn't immediately check on her, but rather the other driver. That other driver was my daughter. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
SabriLittleRed says FML http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/21012941 Today, I saw my sister after three days away. When I went to get in the car with her, she told me I had to sit in the back, because her teddy rides in front now. She was serious. I've already been replaced by a stuffed bear. FML |
| 11:38 pm |
Anonymous says FML http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/21012912 Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML |
| Wednesday, January 1st, 2014 |
| 11:15 pm |
Anonymous says FML http://www.fmylife.com/love/21012505 Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Every 20 minutes or so, I'll get a notification that I have a new message, and I check it just to find that same message sitting there. I'm being trolled by my own phone. FML |
| 11:15 pm |
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| 11:15 pm |
Anonymous says FML http://www.fmylife.com/kids/21012312 Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML |
| 11:15 pm |
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| 11:15 pm |
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| 11:15 pm |
Anonymous says FML http://www.fmylife.com/love/21011862 Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML |
| 11:15 pm |
erjazo says FML http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21011750 Today, I was watching TV with my husband, and he started getting frisky. When the commercial break started, we started having sex. When he came, there were still two commercials left before the show resumed. FML |
| 11:15 pm |
thisisavirus.exe says FML http://www.fmylife.com/love/21011731 Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML |