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Janvāris 17., 2006
15:43 - to Mary
Oh Mary...
this lide is full of shit.
i'm sorry for saying this but ... but that's what came to my mind and .. just had to be said.
i've got problems. and .. and i i cant see how that ...
whenever they say they hate themselves [and they want to die] do they really mean it? are they truly unhappy with themselves? well, i am. i've got so much i dislike about myself and.. and i cant seem to be able to change those things on my own.. and then there are those things i dont think i can change but are necessary to be changed.. like - i cant read.. well, i can, but i cannot concentrate on a single sentence.. even if i can, fairly get the idea, it's not in my mind after a single paragraph and it's all been useless.. that's tragic when you grow up to be a philosopher.
i want to grow up to be a good person.
see, i still think i'm just growing up, i'm just a little girl.. that's because.. i dont know why.
i need some damn attention that would be filled with affection, because otherwise i...
i do what i hate so much.
i criticise anything. even if it's not what i think, even if it's commonly perceived as wrong, i.... i go ahead and say what is on my mind. i say that.. maybe because i have nothing else to say and i know that nobody is gonna talk to me if i dont say anything at all.. i mean, i try to show them wrong .. as in.... that they are blindly looking at the thing they're discussing/criticising only from one point of view which makes them only think one way. and i try and show that maybe .. maybe there are other sides too, and it's alright with me that maybe i agree with them, it's just that that isnt all! and.. and people start hating me for that. well, it's no surprise, i hate myself, too.. DISLIKE is the word, actually... i dislike myself very much.
and then... then, concerning what i just said about saying all that is on my mind just to say anything.. dont be fooled, i really dont talk too much but that doesnt mean i dont think.. it's been so often that i've caught myself listening to what i've been said and generating a remark, but keeping it inside my head.. and then thinking.. "whoah, maybe i should say it.. i mean, just for the sake of saying something, you tongue-tied fool.. maybe i should have said it.. how long will you keep your mouth shut? yeah, you probably should have said it but mow it's lost."
i am a social disaster.
I AM A SOCIAL DISASTER.
i am also lots of other kinds of disasters, but this one seems to matter most at the moment..
i cannot talk, i cannot express my thoughts of views clearly, what is worse, lately i cannot even think clearly, i lose the my thoughts on my way of expressing them, i stop thinking when i clearly shouldnt, i am a dead body and i dont know what to do about it.
people, if not already, start to hate me.
oh well.
and my body is so weak as it has never been before. too weak.
would a loud cry I NEED SOME HELP help? ..i say it because i dont think so.
they think it's normal. they dont think it's that bad. because they dont see inside of me.. and maybe they're the same.. and my mom.. oh.. maybe, and what is most probable, you cant see it from the outside, "because, hey, she's always been this silent and all!" oh hey, maybe she's always been a wreck and victim of your ignorance and indifference..
and maybe it's not that bad. RIGHT?
i keep thinking that .. .well, i did say i wasnt thinking negative, right? well because negative is something worse that usual.....
and negative is my usual now so it isnt negative anymore.
to nearly every problem the first thought that comes to my mind is "well, this is all so.. incomprehensible and obscure that .. well, the problem am clearly i. so if there were no me.." - that's how it looks in my head, trying to reconstruct it like this..
*help!*
so i'll just go out, do what i have to...
smile like i have to.
ha.. yeah. and i dont think i can enjoy good things that are supposed to make me feel better until i'm healed or something.. even at netherlands.. it was all so beautiful, i really loved it there until my mind... my mind returned to it's true self again. damn those true selves. thank god i believe that those can be changed. although i dont believe in anything anymore..
so.. about my visit.. what do you wish to hear? :) [see, i smiled! of my own free will! thank you :)]
[..]
that's a thing i miss.. the most? i dont know. maybe. maybe not. i do not know what it is that we have, i just know that i do not what to blow it up just because i'm in such a bad condition, because i know i can be so much better.. i know i can. i must be. but shall i be? i need somebody to take me by my hand and TELL ME WHAT TO DO, goddamn losers, never care for anybody else but themselves.. but then again, i must be no better...
i'm at a library and... just made myself feel better by lurking at a screen just besides mine.. i dont mean i was happy just at the fact i did so..
there was this quite nice guy sitting just a moment ago and i saw what his screenname for his mailbox ws and that clearly was his real name and.. this is the part i love. he has a typical latvian name.. english version would ne 'andrew' or something.. and his last name is "flower"! yeah... silly little thing to make me happy. i like beautiful names. mine isnt latvian and..therefore i am not quite happy with it. and.. and there's this guy who works at this library.. and his last name is "miracle".. now how can one get a last name like that?! yeah.... haha.. no, i wouldnt marry him just for the last name..
you got a really nice last name.. oh mary..
okay, i should now stop this incredible bitching and..... go off. do what i do. study, perhaps [another exam tomorrow..], but since i .. since i wrote down all that i wanted to write down and post in my livejournal, may i?
thank you. thank you for reading this at all.....
*hugs&cares*
christi
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