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Nov. 23rd, 2021 | 11:08 pm

Tiem, kas netērē laiku leitestos (cerams, vairākumam manis sekotāju), lūk, šīs dienas smieklīgākais atradums rezorka vajadzībām. Katrs no 21 apraksta ir pērle. Nav par ko!

The orc daddies of Middle-earth, ranked

The only logical choice for number one, this dom top is most famous for filling Boromir with a flurry of giant arrows, but did he have to do it while serving such intense hotty-with-a-body realness? Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Jackson shoots him like Ursula Andress emerging from the ocean in Dr. No, with a slow-motion strut that reads less as “I’m gonna go kill Sean Bean” than “Touch this. Touch all of this.”

But it’s impossible to deny his super-charged, Grindr-hookup-gone-wrong fight with Viggo, a knock-down, drag-out fight scene so unbelievably horny it makes
Call Me By Your Name look like The Straight Story. Jackson stages it with sweaty grunts and thirsty stares so loaded they’d make Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett blush. There’s even an Extended Edition-exclusive moment apparently deemed too hot for theaters where this freak grabs the knife Aragorn just shoved into his leg, pulls it out, and LICKS IT LIKE A THREE-COURSE MEAL. And in case you thought he was a one-trick pony, look out! He’s vers, hunty! ‘Cause when Viggo stabs him in the stomach, he welcomes it WITH PLEASURE, using his bare fucking hands to pull himself forward for further impalement, clearly the Orc-ish gesture for “Daddy only gave her a taste, but she wanted the whole enchilada!”

Tragically, this lens-fogging display of homosexual mania is cut short when Viggo delivers the killing blow, leaving our man decapitated and us with one nagging question 20 years on, “Hey babe … how’s your head?”

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