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Aprīlis 3., 2008
20:23
Sēžu dzeru Bakardi un lasu Palanjuka citātus internetā, apskaužu maitasgabalu, ja es mācētu tā virknēt domas.
If it was him in those pictures with the monkey, he could look at them every day and think: If I could do this, I could do anything. No matter what else you came up against, if you could smile and laugh while a monkey did you with chestnuts in a dank concrete basement and somebody took pictures, well, any other situation would be a piece of cake.
Even hell.
More and more, for the stupid little kid, that was the idea...
That if enough people looked at you, you'd never need anybody's attention again.
That if someday you were caught, exposed, and revealed enough, then you'd never be able to hide again. There'd be no difference between your public and private lives.
That if you could aquire enough, accomplish enough, you'd never want to own or do another thing.
That if you eat or sleep enough, you'd never need more.
That if enough people loved you, you'd stop needing love.
That you could ever be smart enough.
That you could someday get enough sex.
These all became the little boy's new goals. The illusions he'd have for the rest of his life. These were all the promises he saw in the fat man's smile.
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20:34
What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.
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20:36
Drugs or overeating or alcohol or sex, it was all just another way to find peace. To escape what we know. Our education. Our bite of the apple.
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20:43 - screw it
"Look at us dude," I say. I find the last bottle of beer and it's warm. I say, "All women have to do is get naked, and we give them all our money. I mean, why are we such slaves?"
Denny flips over the page on his pad and starts something new.
I move his rock to the floor and sit down.
I'm just tired, I tell him. It seems women are always bossing me around. First my mom, and now Dr. Marshall. In between, there's Nico and leeza and Tanya to keep happy. Gwen, who wouldn't even let me rape her. They're all just in it for themselves. They all think men are obsolete. useless. As if we're just some sexual appendix.
Just the life support system for an erection. Or a wallet.
From now on, I say, I'm not giving any more ground.
I'm going on strike.
From now on, women can open their own doors.
They can pick up the check for their own dinners.
I'm not moving anybody's big heavy sofas, not anymore.
No more opening stuck jar lids, either.
And never again am I ever going to put down another toilet seat.
Hell, from now on I'm peeing on every seat.
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