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25 Ways to Cope With Stress.

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Drive to work in reverse.

16. Make rude faces at yourself in the mirror.

17. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.

18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

19. Polish your car with ear-wax.

20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

30 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.

3. If you ever find something you like, buy a lifetime supply because they will soon stop making it.

4. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

6. Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.

7. This is as bad as it can get--but don't bet on it.

8. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.

15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

16. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast in the real world.

18. Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before.

19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.

20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

21. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

22. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.

26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

27. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind for the blame.

29. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

30. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

26 Proverbs

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, by enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind toblame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.


9 More Proverbs
1. A bird in the hand gathers no moss.
2. Does one hand clapping in a forest make a noise?
3. Don't count your bridges before they're crossed.
4. A rolling stone gathers smashed objects in its path.
5. There's more than one way to skin a knee.
6. Four out of five doctors recommend another doctor.
7. Anything is impossible.
8. What's right or wrong depends on which end of the food chain you're on.
9. Pessimists usually get pleasant suprises.


10 Rules for Life
1. In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is determined by subsequent events.
2. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
3. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
4. If a job is not worth doing, it is not worth doing right.
5. Urgency varies inversely with importance
6. No real problem has a solution.
7. When there is no solution, there is no problem.
8. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
9. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
10. It is amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on.