| brainstorming, big time |
[May. 2nd, 2011|04:14 pm] |
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| | verbal diarrhea | ] |
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some scientists or psychiatrists might tell you it's beneficial to do brainstorming, though it's a temporally cure, while suicide is permanent. hā hā.
from here on i'll just spill everything as comes and goes to my mind.
i've turned into a crazy escapist, ok - didn't really turn into one - i've always been one - i mean drawing fairies and imagine their invisible animations flying all around me, have 3 imaginary dogs, an imaginary twin sister and a best friend, and a bf and a child, and a cat, and two parrots [which were actually ghosts of my dead parrots], and two horses.. white.. anyway doesn't seem like i was happy with my life even then. džī.
now i prefer books and movies. [and tv series.. well i sort of try to limit myself, but i can't my tv series are getting longer and longer intervals between series, so i just had to watch something finished, with nothing to wait on, but it was only the first season, so now i'm going to wonder if a guy bleeds to death or not, anyway tv series suck, and i knew it will be a total screw up ending. f-k it.. but i did d-load some other series too, and just now started with the first episode and i like it. but i do like weird stuff, and a guy touching dead people, resurrecting them, asking them about the killer, then killing by the second touch, and getting the reward for finding the killer - is weird, besides he has a dog and a g-friend he can't touch, now how sick is that?!]
i know - i'm an irreparable addict. i'm also growing rather too fond of coffee [up to 8 cups a day]
and the guy told me - i could pass the exam, but if anybody on the road doesn't do what i expect, i could totally freak out. anyways that inspect gave me his number without telling for what purpose i might use it, besides we hardly spoke i was worried sick, i've never been so worried, everything seemed out of control. [only because things go not as we expect them - it doesn't mean they go wrong. [it's like quoting the Joker. hā hā..]]
and my dog is awesome [apart from him trying to steal all my fluffy toys and get himself an erection]. he has made lots of friends and enemies (chuckle) - mostly jealous dogs, whose owners showed adoration for my little cute. his best friend is called Milla - she's a 6 month old russian toy terrier, who doesn't use outside as a toilet too. so they just run like crazy biting each others legs and even throats, yesterday he really nailed her down finally, first time he was tired after like 10 minutes, yesterday they 'hunted' for like 40. and Milla's owners even know my name, well i know theirs too, but they belong to an older generation of our neighborhood, and i never spoke to them as a child. [i don't know many younger kids only older ones, whom we always dreamed to play with, and never did..] though some youngsters of today do know me pretty well, they are even afraid of me, because i'm the severe woman, who tells them not to put big rocks in front of our door so no-one can open it from inside and they all address me with 'Jūs'. Boohoo!
and my dogs needs to get stitches off [tomorrow probably].. and i have to go to a doctor too - to do the encefalīta pote, the last one expired in april. [omg..]
my a-book is amazing. in fact i might have told it before, but i really, really like it. i even slept only 1,5 h today, because after watching countless series i still went for the book. maybe because without it the darkness and emptiness of my mind is depressive - i can think of no purpose to go on and think of death, so i mostly shut off my brain. hate my brain, hate my own impotence of using it properly. i'm too lazy. i need a purpose [or a b-friend or a project]..
my mum is very depressing too - going round the house wining and being pissed at her employers, but taking it on us. my gran is wining about her health. that's so enraging. i'm so pissed off most of the time.
life is a chain of choices - to do or not to do. if you chose not to, it has to be for a reason..
reason, reason, reason is all i need. but nobody is going to give me that reason, so i can't just walk zombielike around daydreaming my bright future in vague pastels. i have to do, to be.. 'do be do be do be dooo' --->
"To be is to do" - Socrates.
"To do is to be" - Sartre.
"Do Be Do Be Do" - Sinatra;"
anyways sometimes it just feels wrong, as if i'm not in my life, but i am, and my life is what i make of it. besides maybe everybody feels that way. maybe nobody knows - what he wants. maybe it's just what you get and how you use it.
oh god, why didn't i think of becoming a veterinarian in highschool. i really wanted to be one when i was like 10.. but it went away. but you need money to make your own clinic, so i probably need to earn money and then do what i want, and to earn money i have to get any education and the one right in front of me is as good as any.
well - i have to admit - brainstorming is useful. i feel 10 years younger and more careless. let's hope it lasts!! |
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