pēdējos mēnešos diezgan daudz laika pavadu, skatoties uz sevi spogulī un smaidot

kad biju maza un tikko iemācījusies lasīt, es domāju, ka filmu kompāniju sauc "DISNEP", bet kakao nosaukums ir "NESPUIK"

What's a warm-blooded animal to do
among all you
so cool?

//Eli Coppola

vakar vai nedaudz senākā pagātnē ripoju mājup ar velo, un man prātā pats no sevis izritinājās šāds domu kamolītis

i don't have to be perfect to be good
i don't have to be good to be good enough
i don't even have to be good enough to have the right to just live my own life
i am free to do whatever i want to do with my life

tas gan tobrīd gadījās domu par darbu kontekstā, bet tikpat labi varētu attiecināt uz pilnīgi visu

nu. riktīgi forši taču

šodiena bija tik gara diena.

no rīta ilgi nevarēju pieslēgties realitātei, jo nosapņoju garu, intensīvu un reālistisku sapni, kurā okeānā/jūrā dzīvoja kaut kāda attīstītāka rase, tā kā citplanētieši, tā kā nē, kas laiku pa laikam no turienes izsūtīja kādu peldošu un lidojošu kuģi, ar kuru pieveda kādas tehnoloģijas un resursus, bet arī savāca cilvēkus. un sapnī es piekritu, lai mani savāc, jo laikam taču cerēju no tās zemūdens pasaules izdabūt ārā kādus noderīgus labumus savai sauszemes kopienai, taču, nonākusi tajā citas rases valstībā, sapratu, ka esmu principā kļuvusi par viņu ķīlnieku. izdomāju stratēģiju - izlikos, ka zemūdens spiediena dēļ esmu vārga un miegaina, un bieži (tēloju, ka) zaudēju samaņu, lai īstajā brīdī, kad nepievērsīs uzmanību, varētu izbēgt. un tad šai pašā zemūdens valstībā klausījos savdabīgu simfoniskā orķestra koncertu, kuru diriģēja kāda radība, kuras seja bija projekcija, un vienas rokas vietā bija šķēres, bet otras - pulksteņa rādītājs.

"Booksmart" ir filma, kuru būtu bijis tiešām forši noskatīties vidusskolā. taču man diemžēl tas nebija iespējams, jo filma iznāca tikai 2019.gadā. :D

endurism is a coping strategy that means we will spend our life merely coping with pain instead of creating a life that feels good

sapnī satiku abus savus mirušos kaķus

un manā dzīvoklī bija ielauzusies a cappella grupa, kas blakus istabā mierīgi noturēja savu mēģinājumu

(..)
you are right where you should be.
now act like it.

//Michelle Tea

šī bija visai perfekta diena

atpūtas parks "stalkers"

kāpēc patiesi sliktas lietas tik ļoti negribas saukt īstajos vārdos?

(varbūt nemaz nav tādu "patiesi sliktu lietu" vai "īsto vārdu", es nezinu)

manī rada spriedzi paradokss, ka, uzticoties sev daudz vairāk, man ir jāatzīst, ka es esmu (bijusi) daudz neuzticamāka

tajā neilgajā laikā, ko šonakt spēju pagulēt, nomērdējot sāpošo kaklu ar tabletēm un elpojot caur muti, jo deguns ciet un pūšamais beidzies, es murgoju, ka kopā ar ģimeni bēgu no armijas vai kā līdzīga, kāds milzīgs vīrietis ir nozadzis manas sarkanās kedas, un pa radio (?) skan tādas dziesmas kā "es esmu jaunais komunists!", ko izpilda sākumskolas vecuma puisēns

I have the answers within me, if I can only take the time to find them, and not to look for someone else to (..) provide the solution to an ultimately unknowable question.

I tell myself these things:
That there is no one on this big, wide planet who can understand the you-ness of you more than you.
That you should protect yourself by respecting that, but at the same time, not be overly defensive. That it is a waste of energy building walls against armies that do not yet exist.
That real strength comes from owning your vulnerability and expressing your emotions in a way that is true and calm and powerful.
That sometimes it can take a long time to know yourself - in my case, it took forty years - but that's OK. If it turns out you're complicated and not easily boxed in by shallow theories of what and who you are, then thank goodness for that. How much more interesting that is, how much more resonant than one-note simplicity. And I wonder, too, how else I could have got to know myself, if not through my intimate interactions with the world, through my relationships with others? We do not exist in a vacuum. We exist in rhythms and melodies that can be harmonious or jarring or syncopated, played in major or minor chords, but the music has to be heard to make an impact. Sound becomes sound by bouncing off other surfaces.

Of course, I still fuck up. But I'm getting better at not doing so.

//Elizabeth Day, 2019, How To Fail

nav spēka nolobīt pomelo

It would be easier if nothing had changed, it continued. If everything was still pretty and safe, yes? Like this little town your angels have made. A pool of water with the moon reflecting in it … who would want to throw a stone and break the picture? It is fine to be afraid, to have a fine fear, to not want to cross a fine line. (..) Listen to me, little girl, it said. You want many things, you are full of want, carved out of it, made from it, yes. But the truth does not care about what you want; the truth is what it is. It is not moved by want, it is not a blade of grass to be bent by the wind of your hopes and desires. The truth does not change whether it is seen or unseen, it whispered in her mind. A thing that is happening happens whether you look at it or not. And yes, maybe it is easier not to look. Maybe it is easier to say because you do not see it, it is not happening. Maybe you can pull the stone out of the pool and put the moon back together.
(..)
“Humans take too long to see the truth,” Pet growled.

// Akwaeke Emezi, 2019, "Pet"

man ārkārtīgi patīk vest sievietes uz velo bagāžnieka