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Parenting Tips to Encourage Empathy…
• Model empathy. We all need love and understanding. Research shows that parenting with empathy and guidance encourages healthy emotional growth.
• Give simple, clear explanations about how people feel when they are feeling sad, hurt, angry, scared or happy. If your child caused these feelings it is very important for them to see the consequences of their behavior. No blaming…guidance, support and problem solving techniques.
• Kindness is “caught not taught”. Children will copy YOU! They watch to see how you treat others.
• Praise your child’s small steps…sharing a toy, getting a band aide, noticing another’s feelings etc.
• Encourage empathy but don’t expect that they will respond perfectly every time. They are learning about how emotions work. Every interaction can be a learning experience.
• Label feelings.
“It made your sister very sad when you took her toy away. See her tears?”
“It was so kind of you to help your friend when he fell down. He feels so much better now.”
“What can you do to help someone who is sad, hurt, frightened etc.”
• Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and yours. Listening intently shows that you care and want to know more. Listen to his/her views, challenges, before offering your own.
• Notice other people’s behavior in relation to your child. This will help them understand how other people’s feelings affect them.
“Remember how Sarah helped you to feel better on your first day at school?”
• Read books and notice/discuss how your child thinks that the characters are feeling in the story. Fiction can be an effective way to discuss an issue indirectly…a way in.
“Would you be brave, scared if you were this character?”
• Recall and extend story lines in your favorite book by using them in real life situation.
“Remember how the Little Engine made it up the hill…how did he do that?”
• Teach non-verbal cues. Play a guessing game about what other people are feelings. Make up stories to enhance your understanding. Notice the body language, facial expression and pace of a person.
• Encourage your child to think of others.
“Do you think that your sister would like us to bring home a treat for her?”
• Give your child jobs. Research shows that as your child takes on simple responsibilities they learn about caring and altruism. Feeding the dog, setting the table, picking up after him/herself etc.
• Involve your child in charitable activities. Acts of kindness are a great way to teach empathy and the feelings that reward you. Donate toys, books. Send a picture to Grandparents, a sick friend or a teacher. Prepare a meal and deliver to someone ill or with a new baby etc. Explain your helping behavior.
Compiled by Marilynn Jorgensen MA Owner- The Emotion Company www.emotioncompany.com
EMPATHY AND YOUR CHILD'S SELF ESTEEM
EMPATHY AND SELF ESTEEM
Empathy - A Powerful Tool You Can Use to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem
We all know what empathy is, but did you realize that there are some really easy, simple ways you can incorporate using it in your day-to-day interactions with your child, to powerfully build their self-esteem?
Your child looks to you for approval - and one of the crucial things a child learns is whether or not you, his parents, accept ALL aspects of himself or only some. If, for example, a parent is extremely non-confrontational and believes that anger should never be expressed between loved ones, a child is likely to pick up on this belief and start to suppress his normal, healthy feelings of anger. When this suppression goes too far, psychologists call the effect "splitting" - the child partitions off the portion of his personality that wants to express anger, because it is too risky. He fears he will incur the parent's disapproval and may be rejected if he allows his anger to be expressed freely.
We'll look at anger specifically in more detail in another article, but the same applies to all the important emotions. Children need the freedom to express happiness, fear, anger and sadness, and a key job of the parent is to teach the child appropriate ways to express these emotions.
The most important step in giving your child the freedom, or permission, to express his emotions is to make it clear to him that any emotions he experiences are okay. No emotions are wrong, and it is always okay to express them in appropriate ways.
Perhaps the best way to illustrate how you can do this in a very simple, straightforward way is to give a couple of examples.
Example 1
The family is discussing their day at the dinner table.
Daughter: "Margie and I fell out at school today."
Father: "Gosh! Was that very upsetting?"
Daughter: "No, I'm just really mad at her."
Father: "You felt very angry."
Daughter (in an angry tone of voice): "Yeah! She's just SO stupid and annoying sometimes."
Father: "I can see you still feel annoyed with her. We all get angry with our friends on occasion."
Daughter: Tells the story in more detail, expressing her emotions with her tone of voice and facial expressions.
Father: Listens carefully and gives her feedback to mirror her emotions with body language and "uh-huh" type sounds. Continues to use brief phrases like "I see that made you are mad," to show he understands the emotions she felt/is feeling.
Outcome: The girl is able to fully express her emotions. The father can then gently lead her into talking about forgiveness and similar "solutions", but not at the expense of allowing her to express her anger first.
Why? It is normal to have angry emotions and children should not be taught to suppress them.
Example 2
It is time to leave the park and go home, and your four-year-old son doesn't want to go. He is about to throw a tantrum in the sandbox.
Son (angrily): "No! Not going home!" (Scowls and starts to kick sand at you)
You (deciding to take the time to handle this calmly rather than trying to rush, you sit down near him): "I can see you feel angry that it's time to stop playing." (You are acknowledging his feelings)
Son: (sits back down in the sand and grabs his truck): "I'm PLAYING!" (Very firmly)
You: "Are you feeling like you want to carry on playing?"
Son: Ignores you and makes playing sounds.
You: "I can tell you're enjoying your game. It would be nice to stay and play, but it's time for us to go home now."
Son: "NO!"
You: "It makes you feel angry that we have to stop playing for today. I understand."
This isn't a magic bullet to suddenly make your child compliant. You still have to get him out of the sandbox and he doesn't want that. But empathy can diffuse a situation and calm a child down (giving you more room to negotiate calmly with him, etc) And in the long term, it helps him grow up much more healthily from an emotional point of view.
This may all sound too simple and obvious but the truth is that many parents don't show empathy for ALL of their child's emotions. Some are empathetic about sadness but not anger, for example. Others are not at all empathetic about sadness, telling their child to "be a big boy," "don't cry," etc.
By giving your child the space to describe his emotions, and demonstrating over and over that you accept him and love him when he is feeling sad, angry or fearful as well as when he is happy, you are practicing real empathy, and giving him a powerful gift of self-esteem.
by Cassie | 
