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[Jan. 15th, 2010|08:00 am] |
Did you know that, even with all the recent advancements in technology, you *still* can't fax a weasel?
Today was a magical day! A big flock of beautiful birds took flight by me, and as I was looking up in awe, a snowflake fell right into my mouth! A magical, magical day.
The Top Signs Someone Is Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs
- In one single week, Steven Hawking suddenly discovered what caused the Big Bang *and* what makes women tick.
- Grandma not only wiped your cheek clean with her spitty tissue, she performed root canals on two of your molars as well.
- Terrified math club members unanimously vote him president after watching his gigantic head smash the blackboard to smithereens.
- The rest home calls to tell you Aunt Sadie is doing one-hand wheelchair wheelies down the hallways at 2:00 am while singing Ted Nugent tunes.
- Your buddy lost the contest because he took "Kick the Football Through the Goalposts" literally, as opposed to kicking the ball *between* the goalposts. Still, it's an amazing accomplishment for a sixth-grader.
- Her labia just bench-pressed 10 lbs.
- High school: president of chess club.
College: president of fight club.
- Not realizing it was a figure of speech, that bitch in accounting *actually* grew a pair.
- The "happy ending" to your massage just knocked a Cessna out of the sky.
- During your leisurely fishing trip, she gave birth to triplets while simultaneously firing at Somali pirates and reeling in a 350-pound marlin.
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