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Jan. 6th, 2010|04:18 pm |
I tried making Grandpa's funeral fun by having him dressed in a clown suit. Nobody appreciated it, though. Was it his oversized shoes, his flower that squirted water at the mourners, or my constantly beeping that big, irresistible red nose that caused such a disturbance?
In order to send a more positive message, I think rock stars could, instead of smashing their guitars at the end of a concert, reconstruct guitars out of broken parts and play a song on them.
I was going to throw the used batteries from my robot dog into the trash. Then I realized that technically speaking, they were actually robot dog-poop. So instead, I just tossed them over my neighbor's fence.
The Top Differences If *Satan* Claus Came on Christmas
- Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" plays on every radio station around the globe, nonstop, from Halloween through Memorial Day.
- "Now Genghis, now Gacy, now Pol Pot and Hitler! On Gotti, on Bundy, on Dahmer and Nixon!"
- The box says Wii, but all it contains is urine.
- Your kids learn the hard way that candy canes from the North Pole come only in two flavors: habanero and mildew.
- Thanks to YouTube, EVERYBODY can see Mommy kissing Satan Claus. Then servicing Satan Claus. Then bending over for Satan Claus....
The Top "Texting While ..." Activities We Need to Crack Down On
- Fetal birth canal progress Flickr updates.
- Texting while IMing about your Twitter updates.
- Driving backwards on the freeway and navigating via your car's rear-view camera.
- Sexting your friend while you're having sex with them.
- Updating Facebook while trying to listen to the latest Defense Department briefing: "I'm in my base plotting to take yours."
- Facebook status: "Downhill slalom skiing."
The Top Strange Sources of Biofuel
- There are nearly unlimited supplies of biofuel components presumed to be available on the south pole of the moon in the craters hidden from sunlight and NASA probes.
- Corduroy pants.
- Properly managed, the greasy Passenger Pigeon could have provided almost limitless power to North America if it had not been hunted to extinction to provide fuel for homesteaders' cooking fires.
- Liposuctioned fat.
- Oatmeal raisin cookies. (Damn!)
- Loogies. You told everyone in second grade that those were good for *something*, and nobody would believe you.
- According to an Exxon press release, "biofuel" can now be manufactured using waste from petroleum processing.
The Top Differences in Famous Directors' Versions of Christmas Movies
- Michael Bay's "Transformers 3: Revenge of the Fawnen": Santa single-handedly saves Christmas (but blows the silicone tits off Los Angeles) from alien robots by converting Rudolph into a laser cannon and Donner and Blitzen into bazookas.
- Ang Lee's "Flatbroke Mountain": Two unemployed elves, Ennis and Jack, fall in love and end up on the "naughty" list.
- Clint Eastwood's "Midnight in the Garden of Naughty and Nice": Santa takes a walk on the wild side while trying to figure out who belongs on his naughty list.
- Roman Polanski's "A Tender Young Christmas Carol": Carol may have been a coquettish barely teenage nymphet she-elf, but damn if she didn't look and act all grown-up.
- Mel Brooks' "Blazing Swaddles": Baby Jesus finds room in the inn after all, thanks to the heroic intervention of Bethlehem's new Black sheriff.
The Top Ways Movies Would Differ Under an Obama/Biden Administration
- Jon Voight's character mysteriously written out of "National Treasure 3."
- Only inexperienced directors can get work.
- Flying Nun debuts on the big screen, except this time it's her ears that give her lift.
- Whitesploitation, including Caucasian actors dressing in drag in "Obama's Big Momma's House."
- Hillary Clinton shows up on every set, trying to insert herself into the picture.
- Remake of "Lord of the Rings" has Gandalf and Sarumon work out their differences in the first half-hour.
- "Matrix 4" with Neobama. (He's "That One.")
- Socialist Muslim terrorists are now the *good* guys.
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