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[Dec. 29th, 2009|04:58 pm] |
Americans eat enough McDonald's hamburgers every week to fill the Grand Canyon. It's pointless speculation, though, 'cause I'm willing to bet the National Parks Service has rules against doing stuff like that.
Ever notice how the word skiing has the letter "i" twice in a row, just like two little skis with pole marks? That's so cute, and appropriate too! When they come up with a word for photocopying your butt cheeks, I think it should be something like "p00king."
The Top Scientific Headlines
- Top Scientist Calls Research Mission to Ninth Planet a Mickey Mouse Operation
- Deep Impact Rips New Ice Hole in Comet
- Ohm Deficit Found Near Mute, Superconducting Tibetan Monks
- Astronomers No Longer Find Anything Funny About Uranus
- New Photoprocessing Paper Developed
- Breakthrough in New Bullet-Proof Glass Product
- Neutron Research Funding Falls Through
- Record-Breaking Semiconductor Performance Leads to Congressional Doping Investigation
The Top Signs Your Child Will Grow Up to Be a Lawyer
- Her first word? "Mommy!" Her first sentence? "Sue Mommy!"
- When you're disciplining him, he's always asking for a plea deal.
- Her Christmas letter to Santa includes a guarantee clause.
- His best friends don't trust the kid any more than you do.
- He's appealing his "time-out."
- When you check to see how clean her room is, she demands to see a search warrant.
- Law & Order now replaces Teletubbies as family television hour.
- By age 8, knows *all* the rules for baseball, football, basketball, street hockey, wall-ball, handball, stickball (both Philly and NY variations), free agency, suspensions, appeals, and typical tactics in contract negotiations.
- Only kid in 1st grade with a Louis Vitton briefcase.
- Overhears you talking about making your wills -- climbs out of her crib and brings the boilerplate forms from her toy box. "Read these; we'll fill in the details after Sesame Street tomorrow."
- Refuses to let his father yell at him for something his mother has already chastised him for, citing "double jeopardy."
- Wants to represent your dog in her suit against the neighbor's sneaky German Shepard for "pet-amony."
- Cites Plesky v. Ferguson when demanding that you divide the bedroom he shares with his brother exactly in half.
- Argues with you for an hour on while even though Bugs Bunny never studied law, he is not exempt from it.
- He and his friends are always playing Cowboys and Personal Injury Attorneys.
- Before playing catch, asks you to sign a waiver.
- At 4, can already debate whether Bert and Ernie have a common-law marriage (valid only in Vermont).
- First word? "Objection!"
- She claims your making her go to Church on Sundays violates her First Amendment rights.
- Invented the "Reciprocal Frontsies" loophole to the "No Backsies" Rule.
- Keeps filing motions to suppress Brussels sprouts for dinner.
- Their favorite toys? GI Joe: JAG and Litigation Barbie
- Refers to last night's fight over going to bed as "Timmy v. Doo-doo-head."
- 10 fingers? Check.
10 toes? Check.
A soul? Uh oh ...
- He bills you for hugs and kisses.
- Favorite animals at the aquarium? The sharks.
- He's had your wages garnished for his allowance.
- Even though she's only 6, she keeps asking to be made a non-equity partner.
- Published in Harvard Law Review at Age 9 for his work, "Daddy Didn't Get Me a Tricycle Like I Wanted: Now I Have an SUV."
- Takes his first steps when he hears an ambulance speed by.
The Top Holiday Horror Movies
- A Nightmare on Elf Street
- Northpoletergeist
- The Bipolar Express
- Rudolph the REDRUM Reindeer
- A Charlie Sheen Christmas
The Top Signs a Political Candidate Isn't Web Savvy
- Asks his campaign manager to print out a hard copy of the web so he can study it on the plane.
- His YouTube video begins with: "I bid you greetings, citizens of the Interwebs!"
- Keeps trying to dial the web address.
- His foreign policy platform shows undue concern over the plight of Nigerian royalty.
- Makes air quotes while saying "Internet."
- Promises no increase in e-mail postal rates.
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