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[Oct. 3rd, 2009|10:47 am] |
Tomorrow morning at sunrise I'll be hung. Or is it hanged? Great, now I'll be up all night.
Jerry L. Embry
At CIA Headquarters they used to have an original M.C. Escher staircase drawing hanging in one of the hallways, but they had to take it down because people thought it was a floor map.
The Covert Comic
I read a news story about a researcher who claims that dogs are "as smart as" a 2-year-old baby, which didn't sound right to me, so I decided to do my own research. *Not only* didn't the baby find his way home, he starved to death in the woods, too! Dogs - 1, babies - 0.
Doug Frank
The Top Wedding Toasts to Celebrities
- "May your pre-nup remain airtight."
- "May the children from your previous marriages not interfere in this one."
- "Here's hoping the paparazzi stay far away, unless you have a new picture coming out."
- "May your honeymoon video outdo the one by Tommy Lee and Pamela."
- "May the successful cleansing make her a part of our happy cul-- ah, religion!"
- "Here's to the bride and groom: May they have many weeks of wedded bliss before the annulment."
- "Many happy years for you and your surrogate child-factory and beard combo!"
The Top Answers to "How Does Electricity Work?"
- " ...and when the electrons get more energy from the morons, they get hardons."
- "For starters, the electron's connected to the kneebone."
- "Just fine, thank you."
- "Power, just like water and drunks, always goes to ground if you let them."
- "It works just like thiZZZT-POW! OUCH!"
- "Electrical current is just electrons quickly getting passed from atom to atom. Like you've been passed from boyfriend to boyfriend, only the atoms aren't just using the electrons for sex."
- "Pretty consistently until some dipwad runs into the pole down the street."
- "When a negatively charged particle and a positively charged particle love each other very much, they give each other a special hug."
- "You just stick the plug in the socket and hit the 'On' switch. Duh!"
- "Little dump trucks inside little tubes carrying really small nuclear, coal or solar batteries."
- "First, you buy the hamster..."
Two organizations for singles are co-sponsoring a three-night Carnival ship "cougar cruise," aimed at older woman who pursue younger men. When I was a kid, we didn't call them "cougars" -- they were known simply as "drunk moms."
The Top Signs You're on a Cougar Cruise
- Today's crafts session: how to use popsicle sticks and duct tape to make your boobs look 20 years younger.
- On the bow, a drunken Mary Kay LeTourneau screams, "I'm the king of the world!"
- There's enough gold lame and animal print fabric on deck to reupholster the Palace of Versailles.
- "Today's luncheon special features our popular 'Lovers Combo,' consisting of a Cobb salad and a Cosmopolitan for the lady, and for the gentleman, a PB/J sandwich with the crust hand-removed, plus chocolate milk."
- You think the buffet tuna isn't fresh? Wait till you hit the Lido Deck.
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