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Apr. 17th, 2009|12:45 pm |
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. He's also postmaster and probably traffic cop, too. All the jobs for sports referees are probably filled, though.
Lemel Hebert-Williams
My wife will do absolutely anything I want her to do for me. Of course, *she's* the one who decides what it is that I want her to do for me.
Bernie Spencer
Those commercials for Botox are misleading. They say "Botox is freedom of expression," but the fact is it's freedom FROM expression.
Donna Ayers
There was an article in today's newspaper about how to stop being a hoarder, so I saved it. Someday when I've saved up about a dozen articles on the subject, I'll read them to see which one offers the best advice.
Ian Dauphinee
Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently laid out a $534 billion budget proposal, trying to restructure the military and make it nimbler. There's been a lot of news about canceling F-22 Raptors for the Air Force. But if you read the fine print, there are some real shockers in there.
The Top Surprises in Secretary Gates' New Budget
- Looks like a blatant attempt to suck up to the new Commander-in-Chief with a C-5 version of Air Force One complete with basketball court.
- All DoD orders for screwdrivers, toilet seats, and hammers were canceled (and replaced by local purchase authorization at Home Depot), eliminating U.S. deficit.
- Elimination of arresting cables on aircraft carriers not only saves procurement, manufacture, installation and maintenance charges, it also distinguishes between good Navy pilots and great Navy pilots.
- Because of high cost of zippers, Navy is going back to bell-bottom trousers with 13-button flaps.
- Northrup-Grumman and Boeing will lose contracts to Revell and Lego.
- Funding for stealth bombers is supposedly in there, but damned if you can find it.
- New budget will literally cut corners, turning Pentagon into Square. "Over the long term, this should reduce expenditures by 20 percent," said Gates.
The Top Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink
- When he does word association with you, he replies to every one of your answers by screaming, "WRONG!!"
- Ever since the day you confessed to feeling suicidal, she makes you pay in advance.
- Swears that giving her weekly foot massages and pedicures will help you work through your claustrophobia.
- No matter what your problem, he tries to comfort you by saying, "Hey, it could be worse -- you could be Corey Feldman."
- When you mention your compulsive-shopping habit, he tries to sell you the Dr. Laura bobblehead doll on his desk.
- At the beginning of every session, he pantomimes "You... drive... me... crazy!"
- While taking notes, he asks whether you spell "loony" with a "y" or an "ie."
- He bills each of your personalities separately.
- "Oh, come ON. Lay off your mother already! The poor woman carried you in her BODY for nine months, you ungrateful whiner."
- That's no cigar -- he's actually smoking a penis.
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