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[Mar. 20th, 2009|11:40 am] |
Here's a tip on auto safety I learned recently: If you're driving through one of those traffic checkpoints and a police officer yells at you to slow down, don't slow down *too* quickly or he'll go flying right off the hood.
The Covert Comic
If you ever go to a park and it turns out to be crowded, just do what I do: Go up to everyone you see and whisper, "This'd be a great place to bury all the bodies, heh, heh," and smirk menacingly. Pretty soon you'll have the park all to yourself -- and then you can bury all the bodies without anyone getting suspicious.
Dan, the Crazy Croat
I went to this party once, and it turned out to be a bunch of S&M freaks. Oh, cruel fete!
Doug Frank
The Top Second Jobs of Celebrities
- Tom Cruise: furniture warranty tester
- Wynona Ryder: retail security consultant
- Alec Baldwin: motivational coach for teens
- Johnny Depp: server, Long John Silver's
- Lindsay Lohan: crash test dummy
- Keira Knightley: swizzle stick
- Clint Howard: headset model
- Rob Schneider: Adam Sandler's chaffeur, Adam Sandler's butler, Adam Sandler's massage therapist...
The Top Signs Bob Took It Too Far
- Bob ate three burritos, two tacos, and a chalupa at Taco Bell. No way that car freshener will outlast this.
- He signed his name as "Booob".
- I see Bob taking things back, so he *must* have taken things too far in the first place.
- Interesting party trick! If it's any consolation, your priceless Ming vase could technically still be considered priceless.
- "With no direction home! Like a complete unknown! A king without a throne! In the Twilight Zone! With a Nokia phone! And an ice cream cone..."
- You decorated his office with T.P., and he retaliated by decorating yours with, well, let's just say you wish you hadn't used up all the T.P.
- His creepy compliments on your wife's feet, then ankles, then calves were unsettling as it was, and that was about two vertical feet ago.
- The ankle bracelet is beeping.
- It'll take a team of paramedics to remove it.
- In consideration of his, um, commitment, you'll go along with calling him Roberta, but no way in Hell will you dot the "i" in his "Bobbi" with a little heart!
- You took his lunch from the office fridge, and then he put a bun in your wife's oven.
- The monkey is still walking sideways.
- Now his permanent medical record includes the words "compulsive," "latex allergy" and "autoerotic."
- Now it hurts whenever *anyone* pees.
The Top Quotes from Yoda's Pre-"Star Wars" Career
- "Smack my bitches up, will I, if out of line they get!"
- "If hard you work, and dedicated you are, then diamond level you will achieve! Begun, your Amway career has."
- "More than president -- client, also am I!"
- "Hey, I can't DJ a rave if I'm not on Ecstasy. Besides, what harm can it cause? Permanent brain damage? Make me talk funny?"
The Top Signs Your Pet Is a Terrorist
- Fetches your slippers, and then tries to light them.
- He refuses to let you rub his nose in his mistakes, demanding a military tribunal instead.
- You discover little nuclear missiles in the towers of your goldfish's castle.
- He scratches his ear and three car bombs go off on your street.
- After a photo of her toting a gun hits the papers, she insists she was brainwashed by the Siamese Liberation Army.
- You find nine little dynamite vests under Fluffy's bed.
- Constantly wants you to submit tapes of his antics to "Al-Jazeera's Funniest Home Videos."
- Steadfastly refuses to let you trim his trigger claw.
- Sure, tropical fish are usually quiet, but these tropical fish are a little *too* quiet.
- Last year it was a CIA-funded "freedom fighter" -- you do the math.
- The cat starts to tie plastic explosives to itself, but fortunately, always winds up just playing with the string.
- Dog's "sad" eyes are, upon further inspection, actually "shifty" eyes.
- The miniature "chuck wagon" careens merrily across the kitchen floor, stops in front of the refrigerator, then explodes.
- Everywhere you look: Dirty bombs!
- Every time you open his cage, Tweety tries to fly into the side of Barbie's Dream House.
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