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[Mar. 17th, 2009|08:13 am] |
In order to send a more positive message, I think rock stars could, instead of smashing their guitars at the end of a concert, reconstruct guitars out of broken parts and play a song on them.
The Covert Comic
Curiosity killed my cat. But I think "1984 Ford Escort" should at least be considered an accomplice.
Anthony Myers
I, too, believe the children are the future. Except in my nightmarish visions, they swarm at me with dead eyes and blackened fingernails, pulling at my pantleg in an attempt to climb me and plant a microchip in my neck, turning me into their cookie-baking slave automaton. But, darn it, they are *still* adorably precocious!
Brad Simanek
I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to Communion and saw what He considers a serving size.
Marsha Clodfelter
The Top Reasons Married People Are Happier than Single People
- You always know who's going to turn down your requests for sex.
- Single men often face the stressful diplomatic necessity of post-coital conversation.
- The "in sickness and in health" clause includes her cleaning up the bathroom after a night of your binge drinking.
- You rediscover the teenage thrill of possibly getting caught masturbating.
- Aimless angst replaced by focused misery.
- There's someone required by law to listen to you tell the story about that time you were arrested in Mexico every time you feel like telling it.
- No more having to shave your back to get laid.
- Mom's guilt-inducing lectures about not producing grandchildren are much more bearable than Mom's guilt-inducing lectures about screwing strangers at biker bars.
- It's neither fun nor satisfying yelling at *yourself* for buying the wrong kind of friggin' fish sticks.
- Finally! A companion you can trust to help hack up the bodies.
- Your parents can move on to complaining about all the *other* ways in which you aren't living up to their expectations.
- "Oprah" is just that much better when you have someone to share it with.
- Half off admission at swingers' clubs.
- In exchange for sex once a month, the wife gets a spider killer on call, 24/7.
- Relieved of the daily pressures of maintaining good hygiene, you have much more time for watching television.
The Top 7 Best Titles for a "Guy's Movie"
- The Beer Hunter
- Naked Supermodels Racing Expensive Cars
- The Neverending Bullets
- Death to Jane Austen!
- The Toilet Seat Stays Up
- This Title Contains More Words Than All of the Dialogue Combined
- The 3 Stooges Go to Hooters
- Grunts, Groans and Bodily Fluids
- Cars, Sex, Guns and Farts
- Space Gangsters
- Rocket-Launching Aliens, and the Scantily-Clad Women Who Love Them
- Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Hooters
- Debbie Lets Me Sleep In
- Showdown at the Uzi Factory
- The Magnificent Two
The Top 10 Rejected Rondo Titles
- "Fan Most Likely to Get Arrested Trying to Steal Bela Lugosi's Remains"
- "Classic Film (Besides the Inner Sanctum Series) Most Likely to Put You to Sleep"
- "Biggest Shark Jumped by Heroes (This Season)"
- "Kaiju Award For Most Annoying Use of Obscure Japanese Phrases"
- "Biggest Fakeout of 2008 When You Waited to the End of the Credits and Then Nothing Happened!"
- "Favorite Excuse to Explain Away an Action Figure on Your Desk"
- "Best Performance by an Actor You Were Sure was Already Dead"
- "Longest Pause Between Comments on a DVD Commentary." (Current record: 45 minutes)
- "Creepiest Fanboy. No Seriously Dude, Get Help."
No TopFive.com |
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