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[Mar. 10th, 2009|08:29 am] |
If I had a nickel for every soda can I throw away-- hey, wait a minute...
Sarah Williams
If I had a nickel for every dollar I stuffed in a stripper's G-string, I might have enough money to go to a strip club in Las Vegas.
Wayne Lloyd
If I had a nickel for every time somebody told me how good I was at math, I'd have, um... (multiply by five... carry the one... add the columns)... thirteen cents!
Kim Moser
The Top Worst Fortune Cookie Messages to Which to Append the Words "In Bed"
- Your ancestors watch over you.
- You will find yourself swimming in gold.
- Any day can be Mother's Day.
- Puppy love is your future.
- Ideas are like children -- yours are always the best.
- If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's a duck.
- You will soon visit previously unexplored places.
- You will receive an unexpected gift from an elderly relative.
- You could score big, but your hands are tied.
- A vast fortune in gold and the favors of my two beautiful daughters are yours if you can only resist the temptation to append something stupid onto the end of this fortune.
- You are likely to meet a crazed, three-day starved weasel with a taste for human flesh.
- When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
The Top Signs Your Chef Is a Werewolf
- Big ol' white hat only slightly longer than his big ol' white fangs.
- Complaints to the chef invariably result in disemboweling.
- The maitre d' bears a striking resemblance to Maria Ouspenskaya.
- Sandwiches named after stars include "The Henry Hull," "The Michael Landon," "The Oliver Reed," and "The Lon Chaney."
- The restaurant owner subverts his attempts at asking for a raise by tossing a tennis ball.
- Every meal is drenched in garlic "to keep those uppity vampires away."
- After midnight, your name shows up on the menu.
- His sous-chef is the rotting corpse of Griffin Dunne.
- Raspberry drizzle, my ass. That's blood spatter!
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