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Mar. 4th, 2009|07:57 am |
It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 39 to grin maliciously as you pull the trigger. Hey! That's a savings of three muscles!
Christian Hampson
Apparently it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. I have no idea how many it takes to extend your middle finger, but even if it takes more, trust me, it's worth it.
Jason Fris/Robert Ashley/Peter Greenberg
The Top Things Your Pet Is Thinking
- "Oooh! Something shiny across the-- Wait! Something's moving out the-- Wait! Something's crawling up the wall!"
- "Does this collar make my hind end look fat?"
- "Well, the llamas haven't changed, and the carnival rides haven't changed, and the stream of little kids hasn't changed, and he's still calling me Bubbles -- but I could SWEAR I used to be owned by a black guy."
- "Cripes! They keep peeing into my only dependable source of fresh water!"
- "Interesting news... 'Bush Opens Wildlife Refuge to Drilling', and there's a picture of him. Okay, perch right over him; steady, steady..."
- "If only they could make Kibbles 'n Bits that smelled like dog ass."
- "Must kill sock... again."
- "I could so totally kick that squirrel's ass. In fact, I could eat him. Oh yeah, I could eat him. Hey! You're lucky there's a window here, squirrel!!"
- "Man, how many times is this guy going to masturbate in one day?"
- "I hope you realize, my clever friend, that each of those fake throws earns you a hotter dorm room in hell."
- "Someday my balls will grow back... Someday my balls will grow back... Someday my balls will grow back..."
- "ARRRGH! Get that Pet Psychic lady outta my head! GET HER OUTTA MY HEAD!!!!!"
The Top Internet Inventions We'd Like to See
- The Spider-Web browser: a browser that automatically opens all the links in a web page that it thinks you'd find interesting.
- A Wi-Fi router that has enough power to reach all corners of your house without melting the walls.
- A device that shows the true physical appearance of that "hot, lonely teen who is waiting just for you."
- A filter that edits wordy Internet humor lists down to exactly five funny items.
- A flame-proof helmet.
- An "Unsend" button so you could retrieve emails that have been sent by mistake or out of bad judgment, even those already read.
- Expiration timestamp on all new computers and accessories that shows the exact date they will become obsolete.
- A program to give you back the time you just wasted watching that YouTube video.
The Top Infamous Fictional Environmental Blunders
- Voted a Bush into office thinking he would know about trees.
- The huge concentration of stars at the Oscars caused a black hole to form in the center of Hollywood. All of Los Angeles was sucked in; the world rejoiced.
- Catastrophe occurred in 1898 when Victorian mad genius Dr. H. Narbon accidentally ignited the lunar atmosphere, burning it away completely, during the first (and only) annual race around the moon. The un-deciphered radio transmissions emanating from locations on the green lunar surface ceased soon afterward.
- The rate of global warming has doubled since the creation of the boxer, a breed of dog with an unfortunate tendency to develop "the vapors."
- Adding feral cats onto the island resulted in total devastation of the Tweety Bird population.
- After the Boston Tea Party, it took decades for the fish to stop speaking in hoity-toity accents.
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