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[Feb. 25th, 2009|11:50 am] |
The Top Lessons Your Boss Learned from His Kids
- Cookies are never a bad idea!
- If the parents don't catch you, it never happened.
- Keep extra pants in case you make a boom boom.
- Some messes you can blame on the dog, or Smith from Marketing.
- Everyone is more productive after nap time.
- Knock before entering.
- An "accidentally" spilled glass of milk will distract everyone while you ditch the vile broccoli, or questionable expense report.
- Getting caught kissing girls in the coat room will get you into trouble.
- There isn't a lot of difference in the riders of the stretch limo and the short bus
- Be nice to the nerds, for they can help you with your assignments.
- Spiderman Underoos don't actually give you super powers.
The Top Signs the Mac Is Getting Old
- Constantly running the iPods and iPhones off its yard.
- Keeps telling the kids to get the hell off mygrass.com.
- When you click on an otherwise blank screen, it crankily tells you to "Stay off my desktop!"
- "You darn applications quit making shortcuts on my desktop!"
- QuickTime isn't so quick anymore.
- It still contains just one 3.5" floppy drive.
- It goes into sleep mode every night at 7:00pm.
- Keeps having to boot up in the middle of the night to do a huge data dump.
- Internet porn searches have been replaced by Internet prune searches.
- Looks less like an innovative sports car and more like a Buick.
- On crashing, the "Sad Mac" has been replaced with the "Ornery Mac."
- Doesn't trust these new-fangled "color" monitors.
- Insists on lots of fiber optics to help keep it regular.
The Top Rejected Law Firm Advertising Slogans
- "Guilty? Call Us!"
- "Have You Made Someone Cry Today?"
- "If we don't get paid, you don't win!"
- "Over 4 Billion Complaints Served"
- "Our lawyers are now 100% ethics-free!"
- "If you had used us to sue someone, we'd be in our new homes by now!"
- "The 25th Billable Hour Each Day Is Free"
- "We'll Not Only Get You the Shirt Off Your Opponent's Back, We'll Get You the Top Three Layers of Skin Underneath"
- "Sue 'em all; let the jury sort 'em out!"
The Top Clues That Stonehenge Was a Stone Age Particle Accelerator
- The location, in winter, was as close to super-cooling as you'd get.
- Mass spectrograph analysis reveals that someone in that area managed to turn lead into, well, more lead.
- Some of the stone fragments found nearby could only have been produced by rocks smashing into each other at over 12 km per hour.
- Tracks worn into the ground revealing scientists hand-carrying particles to collide.
- The first modern cyclotron was invented at Berkeley, a bastion of long-haired tree-huggers. Stonehenge, the biggest ancient cyclotron, was invented by druids, a bunch of long-haired tree-huggers.
- Recently translated inscriptions prove they were able to achieve 1/315,576,000th times the speed of light using cutting edge horse-powered technology.
- That theory is supported by the recent unearthing at the site of a 200-pound stone clipboard.
- The abundance of sub-boulder particles in the area.
- Big circle? Check. Enormously expensive? Check. Nobody understands its true purpose? Check. Still doesn't work? Check. We have a winner.
In the "No Surprise Whatsoever" Department, Elvis Presley's daughter Lisa Marie apparently has a bit of a thing for guys who are freaks. She's been married to both actor Nicolas Cage and "King of Pop" Michael Jackson.
The Top Differences Being Married to Nicolas Cage vs. Michael Jackson
- "Our song" is no longer "A Whiter Shade of Pale."
- Nicolas's darker skin tone better compliments Lisa's complexion.
- With Nicolas, "gallon of bleach" isn't on the shopping list every friggin' week.
- No longer able to share underwear.
- Nicolas appeared in "Face/Off."
Michael is appearing in "Face/Odd."
- Cage: Wants to have kids with Lisa Marie.
Jackson: Wants to have kids instead of Lisa Marie.
- Nicolas Cage? Caucasian.
Michael Jackson? Passed that a few shades back.
- Requests for "hot monkey love" aren't nearly as creepy this time around.
- Nicolas: Had sex with Patricia Arquette.
Michael: Had sex with <>
- No need to adjust Nicolas's nose back into the correct position after kissing him.
The folks who own Hooters restaurants are said to be considering buying bankrupt Vanguard Airlines.
The Top Differences on Hooters Airlines
- Seats and tray tables aren't the only thing in an upright and locked position.
- "Layovers" not necessarily a bad thing now.
- New flight attendant job description has a "maximum IQ" requirement.
- All the blankets seem to be ending up in men's laps.
- "You can now see the Grand Canyon to your left, if you can manage to pry your eyes off the flight attendant for five friggin' seconds."
- "The captain has turned off the 'Fasten bra straps' sign. The flight attendants are now free to jiggle about the cabin."
- Since when do they have a seat 38DD?
- Passengers no longer complain about it being too cold in the cabin.
- Male passengers pray for turbulence, especially during the beverage service.
- Cockpit renamed "rackpit."
- "Should there be a loss in cabin pressure, a plate of hot wings and a pitcher of Bud will drop from the ceiling, and Misty will sit on your lap while you watch 'SportsCenter' -- hell, if you're gonna go, might as well go in style."
- Everywhere you look: Flotation devices!
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