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[Jan. 20th, 2009|08:04 am] |
If the world really is going to end in 2012 like Nostradamus and the Mayans both predicted, then those extended warranties really ARE worthless.
Doug Frank
My wife only likes to have sex in places if there is a risk of getting caught. Well, I *have* caught her -- numerous times, in fact.
Brad Osberg
The Top Signs Your School Sits on a Hellmouth
- The gym teacher was fired last week for putting his tentacles on a student.
- You've got to figure there's a reason they filmed "Fast Times at Hellmouth High" there.
- Apparently other schools don't have shackles and red hot pokers in the Detention Dungeon.
- You attend Dick Cheney High School. You do the math.
- Lunch room menu consists of two choices: steaming entrails or blood pudding.
- You keep telling Momma to skip the juice box and pack vials of holy water and wooden stakes in your lunch box.
- Every damn morning, the bus is chock full of mindless zombies, but the track team takes an earlier bus.
- More bloodsuckers than a lawyer convention.
- The football team never wins, but always dominates in time of possession.
Next month, the Oxford University Press will issue a new version of the Kama Sutra that corrects some of the translation errors that were included in Sir Richard Burton's famous 1883 publication of the Indian erotic guide.
The Top Surprises in the New Kama Sutra, part I
- The most recommended new positions all require a Segway.
- "Warning: Objects on these pages are more limber than their real-life counterparts."
- That position on page 215 was *intended* as a back-scratching technique.
- The "Flying Tiger Lotus" position has been renamed "Really Good Way To Watch Satima's Boobies Bounce."
- Apparently, sex is supposed to be fun. Won't Mrs. Falwell be surprised?
- The "Trampoline" position is often followed by the "Hospital Bed" pose.
- The back seat of an SUV is an acceptable substitute for positions calling for making love on a water buffalo.
- The dedication page includes a shout-out to "the sultry sounds of Barry White."
- Turns out the best way to get a woman aroused is to blow gently into her *rear*.
- Yogi Todd claims: "I knew this one dude who tried to do #72, 'Entwined Serpents,' all by himself and got stuck that way. Seriously, man."
- Warning: Avoid the "Squatting Lotus" position after eating Mexican food.
- "The Flying Swan Anticipates the Ecstasy of Flight" from the original text is now correctly translated as "Lonely Dude Makes a Booty Call."
- It's the simple story of a nerdy average lover bitten by a radioactive hooker.
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