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[Jan. 9th, 2009|10:58 am] |
I got fired from my gig as an elevator doorman because I was pissed off all the time. I guess that's because the idiots in my building know how to push my buttons.
Wayne Lloyd
Michael Phelps' amazing performance winning at the Beijing Olympics has inspired me to try and get in shape and be more like him. I'm starting off by increasing my food intake to 10,000 calories per day. Eventually, I'm hoping to learn to swim, but hey, one thing at a time.
Wiley
I have a very high tolerance to alcohol. The problem is that I always get drunk long before I reach it.
Naomi Rose
I like to think of myself as a pioneer, a selfless leader who leads by example, even against the backdrop of enormous difficulties posed by my contemporaries. Specifically, the parents in my neighborhood telling their children, "Do *not* follow that crazy old man's example!"
Maurizio Mariotti
The Top Health & Beauty Resolutions for 2009
- Increase lying about distance jogged from three miles a day to five miles a day.
- Let your nails grow long by not biting them while following the stock market.
- No more sleeping with makeup on and "touching up" in the morning for work.
- Give up trying to audition for "America's Next Top Model" and set sights on winning "America's Biggest Loser."
- Stare at Wii Fit for three more minutes before deciding not to to buy it.
- Switch from a 12-pack of Miller a night to a 12-pack of Miller Lite a night.
- Stop trying health and beauty suggestions from Top5 Health and Beauty.
- More laps in the pool, less lap dances by the pool.
The Top Scandals We Predict for 2009
- Actors go on strike, but will have stand-ins picket when the weather is bad.
- Jennifer Aniston hires a big game hunter to take out Angelina Jolie while she's shopping for more kids in Africa.
- Angelina Jolie's attempts to adopt Malia and Sasha Obama fail.
- After Tom Cruise forces Katie Holmes to endure another silent birth, Katie relieves Tom of his spleen.
- Yogi Berra caught leaving Madonna's apartment in early a.m. She denies anything improper. Then she converts to Buddhism, marries Ang Lee and all of his movies suck after that.
- Walt Disney was actually thawed out years ago. He now goes by the name "John Lasseter".
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