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[Jan. 6th, 2009|08:16 am] |
There's something about the whole arrest thing, and the whole trial thing, and the whole fine and incarceration thing that really makes me feel kinda like I'm being punished or something.
Mark Niebuhr
It's funny what a difference one little letter can make in a word. For instance, I wasn't upset at all when I thought I had "genial herpes."
Ian Dauphinee
If I were a recovering sex addict, I think I would opt for group therapy.
Pam Pickard
The Top Celebrity Sandwiches
- The Al and Tipper Gore: open-faced tongue sandwich, served in public
- The Anna Nicole Smith: aged beef between large buns
- The Justin Timberlake: white meat that tries really hard to be dark
- The Bill Gates: just bread -- lots and lots of bread
- The Arnold Schwarzenegger: beefcake and cow's brain presented as a hero
- The Jennifer Lopez: stuffed rump roast with very little dressing
- The Michael Moore: sour grapes on stale white bread
- The Britney Spears: tender white breast meat and fresh buns. No salami, we *swear*!
- The Mariah Carey: spoiled ham that was once on a roll
- The Osama bin Laden: dead meat, toast -- with a tiny pickle
The Top Rejected Story Titles
- "The Potatoes Have Eyes."
- "Mr. Pickles, the Uncurbed Dog."
- "Norman Bates: The Pre-School Years."
- Any story titled "Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:" and ending with "Send to 10 friends."
- "Spleenless in Seattle."
- "Edgar Allan Poe and the Disco Wedgie."
- "Mr. Dracula's Neighborhood."
- "Night of the Groggy Teenagers."
- "Attack of the Vicious Attack Kittens!"
The Top Signs Your Community Theatre Production Isn't Going Well
- After that intense balcony scene, no codpiece in the world can restrain your 15-year-old lead's "Little Romeo."
- At the climax of "Jesus Christ Superstar," Jesus is affixed to the cross with a Black & Decker cordless screwdriver.
- Dracula's sexiness is diminished somewhat by the fact that he uses a walker.
- Every night, someone jumps from a box onto the stage and yells, "Sic semper tyrannis!"
- The audience consists entirely of actors not in the current scene.
- Your community: Houston
Your play this season: "How to Succeed in Business"
- The audience is skeptical over whether Shakespeare really wrote a play entitled, "Dude, Where'st Thine Cart?"
- The director's creative interpretation of Shakespeare contains the recurring line, "This one tyme in band campe..."
- The theatre where you're staging it has a floor-to-ceiling brass pole right in the middle of the stage.
- The title of your play includes the word "MacGyver" -- twice.
- The look of panic on Hamlet's face after he says, "To be or... um..."
- Your mother declines to attend, in favor of elective oral surgery.
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