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[Aug. 13th, 2008|03:33 pm] |
I used to think I was a male, trapped in a woman's body. Then I was born and everything was okay.
Ted Remington
The Top Things You Can Learn About Sex by Watching the Olympics
- Post-sex cuddling is like soccer: It's hugely popular in other parts of the world, but guys in the U.S. simply don't give a shit.
- It is critical that one verifies the sex of the participants before the start of the event.
- The pole vaulter sprints to the pit, sticks the pole, reaches climax, collapses onto the matt and leaves -- all in under 10 seconds. And he might even be awarded a medal. So stop your whining, already, woman!
- Nobody remembers who came second.
- Just like in wrestling: Slam a guy to the floor and pin him for a few seconds, and *boom* it's pretty much over.
- A sandy, sweaty, girl-on-girl ass smack can be more effective than Viagra.
- Be careful! If your ladyfriend bends too far backward while she's on top, she could get flung up and over a 19-foot-high bar by the spring-back of your junk.
- Whatever you do, don't want to lose fluids too early.
- Like sex, there's a lot more to water polo than simply thrashing around and slamming your balls between the uprights.
- Getting laid is like the biathlon -- your scoring chances are greater if you carry a weapon.
- No matter how hard you try, synchronizing is a bitch.
- "Doing it doggie style" means something entirely different at Beijing restaurants.
- You prepare for it your whole life, but the moment is over in mere seconds.
- Shaving reduces friction.
- Compliment a female weight lifter on her snatch at your own risk.
- Watching the experts and following along by yourself at home is often more gratifying than actually participating.
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