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Jul. 24th, 2008|11:23 am |
News reports tell us France is cutting tens of thousands of defense jobs, and changing priorities to adjust its armed forces to the 21st century. So Top5 Military has a few ideas for our oldest and dearest ally.
The Top Suggested French Defense Cuts
- Armed forces reduced to one soldier who can wave a white flag, and one general who knows protocol in surrender negotiations.
- Foreign Legion can only travel as far as Montmarte.
- MREs instead of every platoon having its own chef.
- Officer's Basic Allowance for Mistresses to be reduced to only enough for one mademoiselle.
- Per national custom, defense of France outsourced to the United States.
- Salaries in old stashed francs, rather than euros. Just as good, and Frenchier!
- Sexual favors for troops provided by local women? Gone. Now they'll be serviced by Private Pierre.
- All towed artillery pieces should be pulled by disgraced Tour de France cyclists.
- A real cut would be to give up on that impractical SDI-ish "Guillotine-in-the-Sky" idea.
- Less expensive fighting, more offensive taunting.
- Modify maneuver equipment so it isn't left behind on the battlefield: Tank transmissions need only run in reverse, rifles should bounce back to soldiers when thrown down.
- So much for the Yves Saint Laurent uniforms.
- Although quantity will likely increase, improve flag acquisition process by replacing fancy expensive silk French versions with economical Chinese-made easy-to-surrender white cotton versions.
- Instead of commander's daily bottle of 1954 Chateau Lafite, provide him with something from inferior Cotes du Rhone region.
- "Guerre" abbreviated as "Grr."
- Mirage jet fighters could disappear entirely.
The Top Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Dog Groomer
- The pink bow on the tail is cute, but it really doesn't match your German Shepherd's muzzle or his spiked collar.
- 'Til last week, you'd never seen a toy poodle roped, tied, and sheared in 30 seconds before.
- Your Border Collie doesn't get the respect from your sheep since he started sporting a mullet.
- "Ummm, I'm pretty sure she had *four* legs when I dropped her off this morning."
- The groomer says, "Don't worry, those are *circus* fleas."
- You're pretty sure he's saying, "Mitzi will be so tasty."
- The sign in the lobby offers Brazilians and underarm waxing.
- She keeps hair clippings to make wigs for dogs with mange.
The Top Acronyms for Diets We'd Rather Not Be On
- PHLEGM: Possum Heated Lightly by the End of a Green Mercedes.
- TLC: Tastes Like Crap
- LEAF: Laxatives, Emetics and Fiber
- DISH: Damn, I'm Still Hungry!
- TOAST: Tasteless Organs and Slaughterhouse Trimmings
- PITA: Pretend It Tastes Acceptable
- PISSED: Permitted Intake: Sub-Survival, Early Demise
- E-FILE: Every Food I Like Excluded!
- ELEMENTARY: Eat Less, Exercise More; Everybody Needs to Acknowledge Reality, Y'all!
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