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[Jul. 18th, 2008|10:45 am] |
I remember the last time I saw my dad. It was a happy day because we were working on the old Ford together. But now that I've grown up, I realize that the brake is on the left.
Gary W. Shaw II
A friend and I were arguing about the definition of "irony." He just wasn't getting it, so I took out the dictionary and read him the meaning. Then I proceeded to beat him over the head with the dictionary. Ironic? No, but it sure was satisfying.
Jenn McNanna
The best thing about going the wrong way on a one-way street? Hey, no stop signs!
Jerry Kassebaum
The Top Signs You've Had Surgery of Which You Weren't Aware
- Lately, you find shaking hands to be sexually gratifying.
- To your horror you realize that one of your testicles is missing. And the other two don't hang the same anymore.
- When you wake up in the morning, your throat is sore, and under your pillow, there is a dollar and a note from the tonsil fairy.
- You didn't start getting paranoid about this sort of thing until you started hearing so much chatter about it in the shortwave broadcasts you started receiving in your head.
- You don't remember ever getting anything pierced yet your crotch makes the airport wand alarm go off like you are carrying uranium.
- You go for the bald look and after two strokes with the hair clipper, the barber squeals, "Jesus, what the heck is THAT?"
- You've always worn your heart on your sleeve, but to actually see it beating just above the left cuff is pretty shocking.
- Every Christmas, you receive a gift basket from "Your Favorite Kidney Harvesters."
- You wake up naked in a tub full of ice, and find a note taped to your belly saying, "Shoot, somebody beat me to it!"
- When you sneeze, your underarms become soaked with urine.
- You now inadvertently kiss your *own* ass at work.
- A routine X-Ray reveals you have in your abdomen a sponge, a retractor and a key to room 36 at the Days Inn nearest the hospital.
- There's a vague, unexplainable soreness where your arm used to be.
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