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[May. 1st, 2008|11:48 am] |
A wise saying in a trying moment is like bread during a famine: Better keep it to yourself, or people will tear you apart.
The Covert Comic
I finally had enough of the dog next door talking to me every day, telling me I needed to kill people, so I sought professional help. And let me tell you, hit-men are NOT cheap.
Jerry L. Embry
There goes my baby... walkin' on down the line. Of course, had Sam Cooke understood that in Euclidean geometry, a line is an infinite succession of points and that he would likely never see his baby again, he might have reconsidered his lyrics. Another forceful case for erasing math illiteracy in the USA.
William Fordes
The Top Health Care Changes Under President Hillary Clinton
- "And to ensure everyone gets equal healthcare, I am outlawing medicine."
- Elective castration by spouse is a covered benefit.
- Chain saws approved by FDA for use during PMS.
- Births of babies born to Republican parents will not be covered.
- Sense of humor removal covered in all health plans.
- Insurance companies are forced to pay every claim, as even the smallest scratch can now be classified as a "sniper wound."
- Her picture can no longer be used as a cure for priapism.
The Top Questions on the Psychotherapist Application
- An hour contains X minutes: A) 45 B) 50 C) 60
- Are you a Freud of anything?
- Are you now, or have you ever been, or have you ever thought you have been, an actual banana?
- Do you feel Jung at heart?
- Is your handwriting legible? If so, are you willing to work on it?
- When is a cigar just a cigar?
- Your mother told us you'd never get "a real job." How does that make you feel?
- How would your peers describe your qualifications for this position? Analyze their statements without resorting to terms such as "arrogant," "delusional" or "Doo-Doo Head."
- Prioritize the following situations: A) Former patient bursts into the office with a gun. B) Medicare refuses to pay your quoted rate. C) Former patient burst into your office with a lawyer. D) You realize that all your efforts, experience and education can be duplicated by a 25-cent pill.
- May we contact your subconscious via hypnosis for further clarification?
- Select one: A) empowered, B) codependent, C) enabler, D) overachiever.
- Provide four references. Do not disclose their names, addresses, phone numbers, or any other confidential information.
- The term "nutjob" describes: A) tightening or loosening a series of bolts, B) gathering acorns, C) most patients.
- List your supervisors over the past 10 years. Suggest a therapy for each.
- Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 in your ability to feign giving a damn.
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