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Sep. 7th, 2007|07:52 am |
The Top Differences at a Russian Starbucks
- Doesn't matter what you order -- Colombia Supremo, Arabian Mocha, French Roast -- it all tastes like beets.
- The Red Square store is conveniently situated so that, as you order, you can see Lenin's body doing 45 RPMs.
- All cup lids have hidden embedded microphones.
- CDs at the counter: Norah Jones? No, comrade. Elton John? No, comrade. "Beloved Drinking Songs Sung by Boris Yeltsin"? Da!
- Reporters must expressly order low-thallium foam on their their CapPutinos.
- The mermaid on the logo has more long flowing hair -- on her chin.
- Be sure to request your latte "KGB style," where they take it out back to be shot -- with espresso!
- "Of *course* we sell iced coffee. We're in Siberia, for God's sake!"
- The Red Army re-mobilizes immediately to defend the country against a pernicious threat to Russian culture: Kenny G.
- The venti cup has a grande cup nested in it, which in turn has a tall size cup nested in it.
- Extremely long lines -- but that's because they also sell bread and toilet paper.
- Your two coffee choices are "Black and bitter like soul of tortured Russian poet" or "Light and sweet like skin of overfed American capitalist pig."
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