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[Dec. 5th, 2008|11:27 am] |
Для увеличения зрелищности шахматных трансляций, наиболее удачные ходы будут показывать в замедленном повторе с разных ракурсов.
Если вы заблудились в лесу и очень устали, найдите медведя, бросьте в него камнем - и вашу усталость как рукой снимет.
- А я своей любимой на Новый год подарок под елку положил!
- А она что?
- А она его до сих пор и ищет: тайга-то большая!
Экзаменуют кандидатов на пост помощника директора:
- Представьте себе, что едете в двухместной машине и видите на шоссе троих человек, которые просят подвезти: это ваш шеф, пожилая дама и хорошенькая девушка. Кому вы отдадите предпочтение?
Выиграл кандидат, который предложил:
- Я выйду из машины, отдам ключи шефу, чтобы он мог доставить пожилую даму по назначению, а сам останусь с девушкой!
( ... tālāk ... ) |
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[Dec. 5th, 2008|07:18 pm] |
Why is it that a boy who can kill 300 alien mutants in five minutes on an Xbox can't hit the toilet bowl when he pees?
Phil Garding |
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[Dec. 5th, 2008|07:41 pm] |
The Top Signs the Santa at the Mall Is Nuts
- Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
- Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
- Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
- Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
- After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
- The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
- Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
- Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
- Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
- "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
- Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
- Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
- That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
- Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"
- Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor.
- Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
- While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
No TopFive.com |
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