| |
[Dec. 19th, 2010|04:49 pm] |
I've never been hunting and I doubt I ever will, for two reasons: One, you have to wake up early in the morning. You can’t go hunting in the middle of the night, especially if you live in an urban area. Two, anything large and dead is more trouble than it's worth.
(Anthony Myers)
I'm not a religious man. I have no desire to be born again. Even if I wanted to, I seriously doubt I could ever convince my mom to try it.
(Anthony Myers)
I've found there are few things more mind-numbing than sneezing just as the dental assistant is about to give you a shot of Novocaine.
(Mark D. Sabien)
If I ever run into a really good looking zombie, I sure hope she doesn't start hitting on me. Cause, man, that's one decision I don't want to have to make.
(Jim Ross)
They should put an extra piece in those 1000-piece jigsaw puzzles. You know, in case you lose one.
(Travis Ruetenik)
I had my girlfriend convinced I was over that shameful "Roadrunner Phase," as we called it -- until she found the magazines. And the anvil. And the bird seed. And the jet-powered skates.
(Erik Hallberg)
That which does not kill me only serves to make me stronger. Unless, of course, it's some sort of muscle-removal operation.
(Matt Reiff)
If I give a speech, instead of picturing the audience in their underwear, I picture them all in MY underwear. I get a good laugh picturing a bunch of losers in crotchless Hello Kitty thongs.
(Jill Gallagher)
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine, orders a drink, punches a waitress, flashes the room *and* delivers a baby. And guess whose camera-phone battery died!
(Mark D. Sabien)
They're showing an all-new episode of "It Could Happen Tomorrow" on the Weather Channel next Friday. I'm worried that could be way too late.
(The Covert Comic)
I'm really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
(Wiley)
A restaurant can get my business every day for the next month by promising not to play Christmas music over their speakers and that the staff won't wish me a merry or happy anything or offer me any greetings that could be considered seasonal in nature. Also, the waitresses should be topless.
(Anthony Myers)
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Frame a man for murder and the state will feed him every day for 25-to-life.
(Bob Van Voris)
Children should be neither seen nor heard -- making them perfect ninja assassins.
(Dave Webb)
Einstein said: In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. But good luck finding the "middle" of anything in 4-dimensional curved space-time.
(The Covert Comic)
When you give advice, you need to be precise. For instance, when the guy told me my speech would go better if I pictured the audience naked, he didn't actually mean to get naked myself to make them feel more comfortable. The devil's in the details, my friends.
(Lori Petterson)
If Earth is really just a grain of sand in the universe, I'll bet we're stuck in God's Speedo and we're driving him nuts.
(Brad Osberg)
This time of year, the frost on the ground and the chill in the air fill me with energy and goodwill. They also fill me with thankfulness that I don't have any nipple jewelry.
(Bob Van Voris) |
|
|
