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[Sep. 4th, 2010|10:36 am] |
When you think about it, some pretty cool people have died from autoerotic asphyxiation. Just sayin'.
One thing texting has confirmed is that it's still safe for adults to S-P-E-L-L out certain W-O-R-D-S in front of kids, since the little dumbasses couldn't decipher the correctly spelled versions anyway.
Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last too long, though, because invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
The Top Signs You're Being Stalked by a Screenwriter
- Whenever you change your daily routine you hear a voice crying from the bushes: "Don't deviate from the script!"
- Previous stalker: Sound of a camera shutter clicking outside your window. New stalker: Sound of a keyboard clacking outside your window.
- She's polite, intelligent and dressed for comfort. In Los Angeles. What else could she possibly be?
- Heavy-breathing phone calls saying, "I feel the need... to read."
- Each week, someone different is following you with a new "take" on your undying love.
- Mash notes come in 9"x12" manila envelopes marked "REQUESTED MATERIAL."
- On vacation at the Grand Canyon, your echo comes back punched up and 53% funnier.
- The ransom note for your rabbit begins: "FADE IN - NIGHT. A man's blood-stained shoes walk briskly down a dark alley..."
- Telling him that cutting off your limbs and putting you in a box would be derivative of "Boxing Helena" actually makes him put down the ax and rethink his whole strategy.
The Top Reasons a Hockey Puck Is Better Than a Cell Phone
- A cell phone won't even last through the first slap shot, eh?
- Considering you can fling it and knock the cranium of the person whose attention your trying to get, it can be a more effective communication device than an iPhone 4.
- Less likely to be ruined when clumsily dropped in the toilet.
- Nobody ever compares your pancakes to a cell phone.
- You don't have to remember to turn off your hockey puck when you go to church or the movies.
- You just bought a BRAND NEW HOCKEY PUCK last month, and it's still top-of-the-line.
- Cell phones make super-crappy beer coasters.
- It's almost impossible to knock out a Canadian with a cell phone.
- You can't drunk dial with a hockey puck.
- Because the idea of ostriches playing hockey using a cell phone is just stupid.
- Rounder edges makes for easier anal insertion for that obnoxious texter holding up the coffee shop line.
- It's physically impossible to accidentally butt-dial $400 in wrong numbers to Obscuristan on a hockey puck.
- The hockey puck only gives you cancer if you grind it up and smoke it.
- It's MUCH easier to convince an ER doctor that you *accidentally* got a hockey puck lodged in your ass.
- Nobody ever drinks beer while watching ice skaters whack a cell phone.
The Top Better Names for "Dancing With the Stars"
- I Was a Celebrity, Get Me Some Work!
- Flight of the Non-Coords
- S#!+ My Wife Makes Me Watch
- That Our-Audience-Is-in-Their-70s Show
- The Amazing Race to See Who's the Least Clumsy Fame-Whore
- I Thought He Was Dead!
- Trip/F#$k
- America's Most Taunted
- Who Used to Be a Millionaire?
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