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Jul. 13th, 2010|12:57 pm |
My girlfriend and me are into leaving notes for each other to find around the house. You know, the typical mushy stuff like "Honey, I love you!" "I can't wait to see you tonight!" and "Flush the meth -- the cops are outside the front door!"
Whenever someone asks me my age, I tell them "34 of your Earth years." I think saying it like that helps to make me seem exotic and mysterious, like Superman. Or Alf.
Sure, being ripped apart by lions is a terrifying thing, but nothing compares to that paralyzing fear when you can't find the remote.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask who knew that we were the first country to elect a president fluent in Yoda-speak.
I always wondered about those old movies where they try to drive someone crazy to get their house or insurance money. Don't any of these people have access to rat poison like the rest of us?
I'll bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth your left your clothes in. And by "superhero," what I mean is "demented-exhibitionist-guy."
International soccer needs some new marketing folks. I'd have become a World Cup fan a decade or two earlier if I'd known about the drinking.
To the inevitable question during dating: "Would you like to be a father someday?" I have this answer: "I don't mind being a sugar daddy."
Seems to me that the best way to make friends and influence people is to have, like, a gazillion dollars, just like Dale Carnegie.
The Top Defense Strategies for Captured Russian Spies
- "In Soviet Russia, spies capture you!"
- "They were seduced by the patriotic fervor of Moose and Squirrel."
- "We were trying to sneak up on Sarah Palin's house from the other direction."
- "Well, all things considered, we weren't really THAT good at it."
- "Always wanted to see Montana."
The Top Signs Your IT Person Isn't Legit
- The first problem he notices is that your cubicle is not arranged in the most optimal Feng Shui positioning.
- Reports to your office with a copy of "Computers for Dummies" and a roll of duct tape.
- Constantly confuses Cisco, Sysco and Cisquo.
- Blinking lights scare her.
- Thinks spyware is a type of plastic food storage container.
- "Hey, I'm here to fix your... whaddyacallit... electro-compu-thingie."
The Top Surprises in the Latest Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
- Back cover advertisement for beach front property in Quito.
- The report is still silent on the environmental damage caused by CO2 emissions from open containers of Mr. Pibb.
- Bush and Gore are still trying to settle a bet on whose daughters will be the first to appear topless in public.
- The preface of the report includes an international plea for the United States to, for the love of God, stop shooting the messenger.
- The most effective way to combat global warming is to combine our powers and summon Captain Planet.
- The controversial conclusion of the report is, "You know what? Screw the polar bears. There, we've finally said it."
- It is printed on rhino vellum, inked in koala blood and bound with spotted owl leather.
- Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.
The Top 5 Strangest Movie Mashups
- Marty McFly gives Luke Skywalker a much-needed hand in his battle against galactic bully Biff Vader in "The Empire Strikes Back to the Future"
- Denzel Washington's mutant power is over-acting in "Malcolm X-Men"
- Christopher Guest and his crew mockingly take on the competitive stripper industry in "Best in Showgirls"
- Emilio Estevez and friends fling pancakes at Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in "The Breakfast Fight Club"
- Prince collaborates with an autistic savant to write hit songs like "When Wapner Cries" and "Let's Go Crazy Buying Underwear at K-Mart" in "Purple Rain Man"
- Bruce Willis and Emma Thompson bring Jane Austen's characters to death in "The Sixth Sense and Sensibility"
- A Mexican woman cooks her own urine for her gilled lover in "Like Waterworld for Chocolate"
- Director Roland Emmerich destroys ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in "Independence Day After Tomorrow"
- Jessica Alba, Hugh Grant and Vince Vaughn join forces to defeat Dr. Doom -- and their own families -- in "The Fantastic Four Weddings, Four Christmases, and a Funeral"
- The only thing Karl Childers likes more than French-fried potaters is winning Special Olympic gold in "Sling Blades of Glory"
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