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May. 10th, 2010|08:03 am |
We watched in amazement as the heated cutting utensil sliced through the yellow dairy spread like a hot knife through butter.
One of the saddest days of my life was the day we put my Aunt Nettie in a rest home. But if it weren't for sad times like that, I couldn't have truly appreciated the good times, like taking her wallet while she was crying.
The Top Advantages to Women Serving on Submarines
- A pleasant distraction from the new smoking ban.
- Endless humor potential just from "blowing the tanks" and "up periscope."
- Hey, some of the guys secretly wanted to watch Oprah instead of the Super Bowl, too.
- Hot bunking will get a lot hotter, with hot racks on board.
- If the real Navy is anything like the sailor from the Village People, those women will be the least sexually harassed ones in America.
- It's refreshing to have *their* underthings drying on lines between the bunks.
- "I've never gone down that long, but am willing to try for my country," said new Seaman Recruit Paris Hilton.
- Female intuition 35% more accurate than sonar.
- At the very least, the heads should start smelling a lot better.
- You don't mind squeezing past them in a tight corridor.
- Decks polished like never before, in feeble hope of an occasional upskirt glimpse.
- "I'll be inspecting whether any space is too tight," said Chief Lothario Smith.
- Any woman who has the strength of character to join the Navy can most likely handle a giant sealed tube full of seamen.
- There's now a simpler excuse for why floral panties were found in the laundry.
- Always nice to have more than one little man in the boat.
The Top Scientific Names for Movie Industry Things
- Pam Anderson: Mammaria maxima
- Net profit: Denarii minimi
- James Cameron: Spendicus incredibical
- Michael Douglas: Oldus quam dirtus
- Bruce Willis: Barepatis diehardum
- Best Boy: Optimus gopherus
The Top First Acts of Office for the New US President Inaugurated on 20 Jan 2357
- Call Arn01d 5chwarzen399er to congratulate him on being the first clone elected Governor of Mexifornia.
- Have all female Secret Service droids reprogrammed to come to work naked.
- Investigate the outgoing George Q. Bush, XXIII administration.
- Fulfill campaign promise to shut down "Mercmo", the controversial sunny-side-of-Mercury interplanetary combatant detainment facility.
- Decide what breed of lovable carbon-reprocessing amoebadeer to get the kids.
- Finally heeding the long-ignored scientific warnings of Global Cooling, officially add the Antarctic Desert Tortoise to the endangered species list.
- Return the congratulatory holo-calls from the Premier of Uzturkifrance and the Prime Minister of Haliburton. Then threaten to stop selling water to Israel if they don't stop lasering Palestine.
- Attend the funeral of the guy who won the election.
The Top Signs You've Botched Your Terrorist Plot
- Your language difficulty leads you to bomb a fabric store to destroy the great satin.
- You thought it was clever cramming explosives into every orifice of that "blow up" doll, but then you foolishly looked into her sweet, beckoning eyes...
- In retrospect, maybe step one should not have relied so heavily on your ability to "charm your way into the Vatican."
- "Oh, *that* white house!"
- Your beheading of capitalist icon Donald Trump made you a national hero, all right -- in America.
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