Reizēm tiešām liekas, ka es pati sevi nogalinu savā prātā.
Visu laiku sev jāatkārto, ka viss ir kārtībā, bet man ir trauksme, nožēla, kauns, stress, bailes.
Un visas šīs emocijas iet uz riņķi... Tas ir tik briesmīgi, ka es neatļauju sev nomierināties.
Tāpēc, ka vāru sūdus.
Sestdien, bija tik jautrs vakars pie manas vienīgās īru draudzenes, but i keep self-sabotaging our friendship.
Detaļās negribu ieslīgt, ko es tādu izdarīju/pateicu, jo gribu tikai aizmirst.
Par laimi viņa mani nekritizē, tikai ļauni un sarkastiski pajoko. Es ticu, ka iekšā viņa ir nedaudz vīlusies manī, bet viņa neienīst.
Viņa saprot. Par to es viņu mīlu. Nebūtu man viņas šeit, es galīgi sajuktu prātā bez draugiem, tāpēc esmu neizsakāmi pateicīga, visumam, ka esam draugos.
Es ļoti ceru, ka neko turpmāķ vairs nesačakarēšu. Man jau liekas, ka viņa zina, ka es sevi māku vislabāk nosodīt.
Es katru dienu sev pārmetu, dusmojos, slīgstu kaunā un pāranalizēju, kas pie velna notika.
Nekas, traģisks nenotika. Es vienkārši pārspīlēju un jūtos nožēlojama.
Dzīve iet uz priekšu un jātiek man tam pāri, kā es nezinu, bet laiks parādīs.
Pārākdaudz satraucos, ko citi par mani domā kopš dzīvoju šajā mazpilsētā, dzīvojot Rīgā man bija rupji sakot, pohuj.
Tagad , paldies māsai, ka iebaidīja, ka man ir ļoooti jāseko savām darbībām un vārdiem, jo mazpilsētā visi runā viens par otru, jo viens otru pazīst.
Ja godīgi, mani tas kaitina. Es gribu būt es.
Nepārspīlēti runājot, es šeit tiešām mūžīgi nepalikšu.
Gads, varbūt divi. Atgriezīšos mājās.
Man pietrūkst mana ne-bioloģīskā ģimene.
Ar bioloģisko ģimeni ir labi, bet sarežģīti, viņi mani līdz gala nesaprot.
Savādi, ka dzīvē tā notiek.

***
"Do you seem satisfied within yourself
Cause there was sometimes in my life
Where I have to cut the strings loose
I didn't know what to do
I couldn't see the beautiful world
That was in front of you
And I was begging for forgiveness
But I couldn't forgive myself
And I was screaming out for help

It was murder to the mind
There was blood on my hands
Fire in my soul"

I just felt like confessing my feelings about running & if this is not for you, don't bother reading all of this.
I always hated working out . I hated sports in school, tried to avoid it as much as I can, cause I always hated myself for not being able to do all the other stuff that others can do... I felt lame, fat and physically weak, not flexible enough. I always started to sweat fast, always turned red & I was ashamed of myself,that I'm just not as fit as everyone else. I still do get sweaty too fast & my face turns all red, but i don't care now. I'm facing myself as I am. Cause I'm trying to be healthy, I'm trying to except & love myself the way I am. Until this day, I could never ever in my life imagine that I wouldn't be able to live without running . Everyone can do something better or worse. Our bodies are not the same & so my education system was wrong!! So what I can't do 10 push ups? So what I don't jump far enough for my age!? I never understood how could my physics can be measured in grades..& that made me hate sports. Made me hate it so much,that I thought what is the point of even trying?
But now years later, i understand. It's not about how much you can do, it's not about running the fastest. It's about health, physical health & mental health. It's about taking care of your body, not torturing yourself. It's about making yourself feel alive.
Recently I lost a lot of weight as you all know, started to eat somewhat healthy, but that just wasn't enough. Cause after losing weight, I started to feel very energetic, full of life, energy & I didn't know were to put it. So this spring I started with little work outs at home & running. I still can't do push ups. But I can do lot of different things, that helps to tone up body, make my blood flowing. After runs I always feel so happy, with my red face & sweat everywhere, I take a picture, to capture that emotion. I know these are not my greatest photos, but I don't care. I believe everyone can find their body magic activity.
I was soo tired today after working,but I went for that run, cause it's my drug now. My mind is calm & body relaxed. Don't be scared. Find your active lifestyle 💙