| what doesn't kill you - makes you stronger |
Aug. 4th, 2012|10:37 pm |
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I totally feel like a heart patient. I go out to walk my dog. I'm not wearing a bra to be able to breathe. And I am able to do that. I breathe slowly, feeling the cool air fill my lungs. I'm spending the second loneliest day [maybe not in my life but feels that way]. I keep looking for familiar faces in the windows of the neighboring house: the fat sex obsessed guy isn't smoking on his balcony, the couple with the newborn baby boy is out, the musicians are in blowing some kind of pipes, the split up couple is still split up and their photo is still on the ground beneath their window. [all details about these people are just a result of my imagination]. Then I see a guy sitting on the steps of a closed school and writing in his notebook. A smell of roasting meat fills my nostrils. Two little boys play ball on the empty street. We go to say 'Hi' to some of our dog friends behind the fences, I bend to pet one of the dogs, straighten up and it all goes dark, I stand there panting, heart pumping blood with extra effort. I stand for a while and we go back. Boys seem to loud, smell of meat makes me sick, [the guy is still writing, but I hardly notice], walk home seems to be extremely long, I come back and fall on my bed, sweating, breathing loudly as if I had a panic attack. Nobody is at home, so I tell myself everything is gonna be alright, stand up, wash the dog and make myself some fresh peppermint tea. I hate being so useless and feeble. Just hate it, the hard breathing, the sweat, the sickness. It's not me. |
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