01:41 am
Fuck you Jerry the mailman who I know is secretly stashing my fan mail responses from Albert BourlaFuck you Gina from Shop N’ Save, you chin-diapering whore
Fuck you Frederick, guy who’s always pounding at my door trying to sell me his loser daughter’s girl scout cookies
Fuck you Sophia, daughter of Frederick and spreader of plague
Fuck you Sgt. Woofenstein, neighbors dog who’s always spiking down COVID dumps on my lawn
Fuck you Nate, wife’s ex-boyfriend who still owes me $40 from that Gucci mask he ruined in the dryer
Fuck you Kid Rock, or that guy who maybe just looked like Kid Rock who put me in a chokehold at Starbucks
Fuck you Janice, for falling asleep at Long John Silvers during her vaccine bouncer duties and allowing alcoholic fathers to throw me around like a worn jacket
Fuck you Dr. Fappingstein, for refusing to fill out my Paxlovid scripts and referring me to an anti-vax psychologist
Fuck you Mary, my sister-in-law who selfishly refused the booster due to climate-induced heart disease
Fuck you Rita, my Qanon aunt who never acknowledged my fun vaccine facts in the family group chat
Fuck you Victor, wife’s boyfriend who drinks all my Soyterades
Fuck you Marcus, guy at the supermarket who reported me for recording him sneezing into his hands at Walgreens
Fuck you Hector, wife’s brother who didn’t pick me as a groomsmen for the superspreader wedding I declined the invitation for
Fuck you guy at CVS who wouldn’t give me my booster because “I need to take a break”
Fuck you Ernie, ex-coworker who carved “I AM A GIANT PUSSY” with an arrow pointing to the driver’s seat on my car
Fuck you Brayden, my little munchkin son whom I love dearly
Fuck you Jerry the mailman again, hoarder of mail and guy who refused to acknowledge me saying “UNCLE” when he put me in that full nelson
Fuck you lady’s unmasked kid from Target, who put me in a full nelson when I called his mother the C word
Fuck you my wife, who doesn’t care about my needs and bad mouths me to her anti-vax boyfriends
Fuck you guy dressed as Carl the Crab at Carl’s Crab Shack who wouldn’t let me enter due to their no mask policy
Fuck you lady at a redlight who selfishly let her unmasked kid wave to me at a red light with the windows down
Fuck you Gary, my electrician who ratted me out for beating off to CNN to my wife
Fuck you Gary’s assistant, who I have no quarrels with but is guilty by association
Fuck you…Francesca? My wife’s girlfriend whom I can never remember her name but made fun of my Pfizer onesie. I know it begins with an F
Fuck you Patrice, lady from Shop N Save who selfishly tried to kill me with her gloveless, maskless oatmeal cookie samplers
Fuck you Jimmy Kimmel, for not shilling for the vaccines hard enough and refusing to sign my N95 that one time
Fuck you Mr. Fluffykins, my deceased cat who didn’t know the meaning of personal space
Fuck you Xander, my former favorite boyfriend of my wife’s who refused to wear an N95 to my virtual birthday party
Fuck you Lisa, receptionist at my dentist who told me to pull my mask down because “she’s hard of hearing”
Fuck you Charlotte, Lisa’s coworker who threatened me with pepper spray if I wouldn’t vacate the premises
Fuck you Brayden again, beloved son who I love very much but he’s just a little germ factory!!!
Fuck you Jared, guy who frequents Long John Silvers and spits when he talks
Fuck you meemaw, for not answering my calls and telling me I’m a disgrace to the family
Fuck you Mario, guy who barred me from Craig’s Dildo Shop and Imporium for suing them for not having a vaccine mandate
Fuck you Kevin, former boss at Long John Silvers who fired me because “COVID is over” and vaccine bouncers are no longer in demand
Fuck you me, for selfishly retrieving my mail without a mask. It was only one time!!
Fuck you Chuggs, former bodyguard who ended up working for me just so he could bang my wife and eat out of my fridge while I’m at work
Fuck you Ben, wife’s ex boyfriend who sold my Paxlovid stash for marijuana
Fuck you Ian, guy who I’ve never interacted with face to face but is chummy with the girl I have a crush on at Shop N’ Save
Fuck you Teresa García Ramírez Elí Arroyo López, for calling the cops on me at Juanitas Burrito Barn when I had a psychotic break when some lady’s kid sneezed
Fuck you that lady’s kid, cover your mouth
Fuck you Terrence, guy who does my plumbing and refuses to disclose the shitwater data to me
Fuck you guy that works at Baskin Robbins, I SAID EXTRA SOY
Fuck you Vinny, kid who I paid to mow my lawn that sent Sgt. Fappingsteins COVID dumps flying everywhere and all over the front of my house
Fuck you guy down the street with the “PART OF THE CONTROL GROUP” sticker on his truck
Fuck you me again, when I forgot my vaccine card at home for my 40th booster and had to delay it by a day, killing approximately 308 grandmas
Fuck you Gregory, wife’s boyfriend who threw his half eaten sandwich at me because I forgot the mustard
Fuck you Quintin, my baby cousin who doesn’t have any vaccines and can’t seem to tell me why
And finally, fuck you to all the plague rats out there who make a mockery of Science™ and disregard their duty to protect the grandmas and the immunocompromised by taking their myocarditis on the chin. Shame on you.