The orc daddies of Middle-earth, ranked

Every Orc in Mordor’s gonna hear this racket

     21 OF THE HOTTEST LOTR ORCS RANKED

21. CLINGY ORC

Image: New Line Cinema

Not only does this creeper closely resemble the Monster From Behind Winky’s Diner in Mulholland Drive, AKA The Least Fuckable Thing in a Movie Ever, he’s just so clearly that gay who’s blowing up everyone’s DM’s just trying to get a little attention. Sir, you may want to “put a maggot hole in my belly,” but it’s 3 a.m.. Good night and good luck.

. . .

5. COMMANDER ORC

Image: New Line Cinema

Look, sometimes the sexiest thing in the world is security, and I don’t know about you but I just get the sense this silverfox serving Blue Steel here can PROVIDE. And it’s not like he doesn’t know how to have a good time, too. Lest we forget, his most iconic quote is “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!” which is honestly the post-COVID dance track we’ve been looking for.

4. WARG RIDER ORC

Image: New Line Cinema

Call me crazy, but I think he’s a bit of a cutie. Aside from the gnarly scars giving a touch of experience to his lean swimmer’s build you really get the sense this guy is good at mounting a whole lot more than wargs, if ya know what I mean. Michelle Pfeiffer once spoke of a “cool rider,” a man who “if he’s cool enough, he can burn me through and through.” Not to mix metaphors, but I think this skinny legend might be “the one that I want.”

3. SHAGRAT

Image: New Line Cinema

OK, so first off (and I cannot state this strongly enough), his name is SHAGRAT. As in a RAT who SHAGS. This is very good. Add that to the fact that he literally starts a full-blown riot for possession of Frodo’s glittery silver undershirt, a move that would scream Messy Bitch Who Lives For the Drama if it wasn’t imbued with such ferocious passion. As such, his no-holds-barred cry of “Hands off my shiny shirt!” becomes an “It’s Britney, bitch”-esque mic drop for the Third Age, the brave rallying cry of a man burning down a culture of boiled leather and rusty armor and embracing the alluring glow of lamé. We have no choice but to stan a naturally gray legend who also appreciates high fashion.

2. TORCH ORC

Image: New Line Cinema

I feel like the 30 seconds this guy is onscreen is the Lord of the Rings equivalent of the Hercules Mulligan Yorktown verse in Hamilton in that it’s arguable nothing has ever fucked harder in the history of anything. This king had one job and he did it shirtless living his best Olympic Opening Ceremonies fantasy. Next Pride Parade, I want him front and center shaking his ass to a club remix of the Chariots of Fire theme.

1. THIS FUCKING GUY

Image: New Line Cinema

The only logical choice for number one, this dom top is most famous for filling Boromir with a flurry of giant arrows, but did he have to do it while serving such intense hotty-with-a-body realness? Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Jackson shoots him like Ursula Andress emerging from the ocean in Dr. No, with a slow-motion strut that reads less as “I’m gonna go kill Sean Bean” than “Touch this. Touch all of this.”

But it’s impossible to deny his super-charged, Grindr-hookup-gone-wrong fight with Viggo, a knock-down, drag-out fight scene so unbelievably horny it makes Call Me By Your Name look like The Straight Story. Jackson stages it with sweaty grunts and thirsty stares so loaded they’d make Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett blush. There’s even an Extended Edition-exclusive moment apparently deemed too hot for theaters where this freak grabs the knife Aragorn just shoved into his leg, pulls it out, and LICKS IT LIKE A THREE-COURSE MEAL. And in case you thought he was a one-trick pony, look out! He’s vers, hunty! ‘Cause when Viggo stabs him in the stomach, he welcomes it WITH PLEASURE, using his bare fucking hands to pull himself forward for further impalement, clearly the Orc-ish gesture for “Daddy only gave her a taste, but she wanted the whole enchilada!”

Tragically, this lens-fogging display of homosexual mania is cut short when Viggo delivers the killing blow, leaving our man decapitated and us with one nagging question 20 years on, “Hey babe … how’s your head?”

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