meerkakjprata nedienas

brain overflow

8/6/20 12:51 am

“I cannot remember the books I've read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.”
― Emerson, Ralph Waldo

7/14/17 11:33 pm

Trying to give a fuck gives me anxiety.

Not giving a fuck gets me killed (one way or the other)


well SHIT, the path is P DAMN clear, now, that, you know, i type it the fuck out.

12/10/16 03:55 am

That feeling when you know everyone is god,
and you feel like a dickhead for telling them how to live,
but they still fuckin up

10/14/16 12:23 pm - Revelations 2:1

Rants.
I used to RANT.
all of my posts or w/e writings were, essentially RANTS.
That was the one genuine commentary i could get out of me.
and it WORKED.

then, at some point, i lost it. became pussified. afraid. too pc? scared to stand out?
Tried writing informative pieces, or shit that covered every angle and all perspectives.
didnt work.
oh boy how it didnt work.
Because, fundamentally i am ANGRY. not scared. not accepting. not caring. not pc.
not primarily, anyway.
What i AM, though, is ANGRY as FUCK.

And even though intellectually i get the point etc, captivating writing or art of any kind can only come from the heart, i.e. genuine feelings.
un tempered and un tampered-with.


I am Jacks' burning rage at all the things that are wrong, all the small-mindedness, all the ways in which we as human and I, personally, are less than what we could be.
I am Jacks' loathing for all the wasted potential everywhere.
I am Jacks' hatred of being a part of the human race and of being complicit myself in all that i observe in others.

So here's to resurrecting a more genuine form of writing, communication and most importantly - to a more genuine self.

Cheers. Bitches.

8/23/16 12:40 am

Drīz sākšu rakstīt lietas kuras es zinu zinu.
probably.
maaybe.
mabbe babby

9/22/15 06:45 pm

"I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don't say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you."
— Anaïs Nin

8/9/15 01:28 am

factoring in the increase in intelligence/awareness, growth/learning could be optimized by returning to old dynamic action-based real-time learning vs adopted contemplative style?

8/8/15 09:53 pm

“I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice.”
― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

8/4/15 05:52 pm

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
Tags:

7/5/15 03:50 am

“One must not always think so much about what one should do, but rather what one should be. Our works do not ennoble us; but we must ennoble our works.”
― Meister Eckhart

6/16/15 02:39 am

“Do you know what it feels like to be aware of every star, every blade of grass? Yes. You do. You call it 'opening your eyes again.' But you do it for a moment. We have done it for eternity. No sleep, no rest, just endless... endless experience, endless awareness. Of everything. All the time. How we envy you, envy you! Lucky humans, who can close your minds to the endless deeps of space! You have this thing you call... boredom? That is the rarest talent in the universe! We heard a song — it went 'Twinkle twinkle little star....' What power! What wondrous power! You can take a billion trillion tons of flaming matter, a furnace of unimaginable strength, and turn it into a little song for children! You build little worlds, little stories, little shells around your minds, and that keeps infinity at bay and allows you to wake up in the morning without screaming!”
― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

2/2/15 09:42 pm

how the fuck can you have survivors syndrome without doing and/or surviving a goddamn thing?

2/2/15 09:17 pm

“Where do I get my ideas from? You might as well have asked that of Beethoven. He was goofing around in Germany like everybody else, and all of a sudden this stuff came gushing out of him. It was music. I was goofing around like everybody else in Indiana, and all of a sudden stuff came gushing out. It was disgust with civilization.”
― Kurt Vonnegut

1/24/15 10:49 am

Nesen/ik pa laikam atceros ka man bija kautkāda X angļu valodas mācību programma uz 5-6 diskiem kad es biju mazinjsh. Tur bija arī izrunas fīčas. jauns vārds - nospied pogu un dzirdi kā izrunā, nospied pogu un pasaki pats un tad var redzēt uz cik procentiem ir pareizi. rādīja arī (no idea how to call this properly) skaņas līkni? nu tb svārstības etc? varēja skatīties kā/cik labi arī tās pārklājās etc.
sēdēju kā maziņš autists 7-9 gados un visiem vārdiem kačāju izrunu uz vismaz 90%. ha.
retrospektā pieņemu ka tas man DAUDZ deva ilgtermiņā. smagas aizdomas ka to ka ieraugot vārdu es zinu kā viņu izrunāt (neskaitot tos kam ir franchu vai kkada izcelsme, fuck that shit) man tas toch ir devis.
enivei.
biju gandrīz gatavs lekt vilcienā un maukt uz jelgavu meklēt to figņu pirms atcerējos ka tur tagad īrnieks dzīvo :(

also wtf ir tas ka es kautkādu mazu randomu dēļ esmu gatvs insane čakarēties bet ne kautkādu "nopietnu" lietu dēļ. what up with that huh?

10/24/14 01:35 am - this is me

9/8/14 07:35 am

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad."

9/8/14 07:33 am

"I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge.
It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories,
from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom."

9/8/14 06:30 am

"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."

9/3/14 07:30 pm

“To compose our character is our duty, not to compose books, and to win, not battles and provinces, but order and tranquility in our conduct.
Our great and glorious masterpiece is to live appropriately. All other things, ruling, hoarding, building, are only little appendages and props, at most.”
― Michel de Montaigne

9/3/14 07:10 pm

“I do not care so much what I am to others as I care what I am to myself.”
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