02:37 pmI have said a lot of things when I was angry and confused, and hurt. And I don't know what kind of lies and rumors people talk behind my back about me and my family. From what I know it wouldn't be the first time. Even if you heard from me directly you probably wouldn't believe me, thinking that people like me don't exist. I am honest and naive. If I choose to trust someone I trust them entirely. It is probably so easy to manipulate me too. I loved someone so much and I feel like I am ripped to pieces because once again it wasn't enough. But how can it be if it was enough for quite some time and then not? What is wrong with the picture? Something is not said. Hidden behind a sentence - I don't know. And I can't live without knowing. I need to know why. Otherwise it will haunt me for rest of my life. People don't act if they haven't made the decision and to make a decision one needs to know why and it needs to be a good why. And I wouldn't say that all the people make decisions based on good whys, but I trust that he does. Or at least I thought he would. Now I don't want to paint myself as an angel. I am no angel even though some people weirdly point out my good values. I have made a lot of mistakes. I see them. I accept them and I am willing to do better. I will not run away from consequences of my actions, but regretting them every single day and torturing myself will not get me to better. It is difficult now though, because I don't know what I did so wrong to deserve this kind of pain from person I still love and respect so much. And I am torturing myself with every little and big thing I can remember I did wrong. If I had a time machine, I would go and fix every single one of them. I've never been much of a person that just gives up, but I can't force someone to do the same for me. And yet I thought I met someone who is a lot stronger in that sense. Did I just imagine that? Maybe. I imagined - "I would never do that to you." or "I will never leave you." Or maybe not.Why it feels so wrong? When did "never" become "in this moment"? |