koi's Journal

update?
l'oiseau

so, i haven't typed up anything in a while. things were going pretty normal up until mid march i think, when the whole covid thing really started to go down. i think the two weeks prior to march 24th were probably the most stressful in my life, because i had to fix about a hundred problems with university and other stuff so that i could come back to latvia. in the end everything somehow worked out, and i made it back safe and sound. i got my dad's one bedroom flat for a bit more than two weeks so i could self-isolate. i actually enjoyed that time quite a bit, turns out i really, really do need privacy and i value it a lot. i guess that explains why i always stayed up late when i lived with my mum and sister before moving to uni because they went to bed somewhat early and then i was free to do whatever. also during my time at dad's flat friends came to visit me multiple times, sometimes i talked to them through my kitchen window, other times i met them in the backyard and when the isolation thing ended they came to the flat as well. i was sad to leave the flat yesterday since it is located in a very convenient spot and it would have been a great place for small parties. that flat has some great memories for me now. last week i tried out two things i had never done before. have to say, i am quite delighted with myself for even being brave enough to try them. me from a few years ago would never be able to even imagine herself doing stuff i can easily do now, not even to mention the things i tried recently. also, the experience was amazing, so yes, as i said, i am glad i didn't pussy out of it. last thing i want to mention i guess - fuck feelings. fuck vulnerability. i am messed up when it comes to this, the whole time i thought i wasn't wearing a mask, but goddamn was i wrong. i protect myself from pain due to rejection by just being mean because i can't stand the thought of someone rejecting me if i've only ever been nice to them. i think i also have trust issues since i seriously cannt believe that some people care about me, even though their actions show it. and, no matter how much i also want to show i care, all that comes out is just teasing and sarcasm and mild bullying. it is as if though i was so afraid of showing how actually vulnerable and emotional i am. i do not want people to know how much power they have over me because it is so scary. sometimes the smallest action from certain people has SO MUCH impact on me, it shouldn't be like this. but i also don't want to change anything, in a way? i like having deep emotions and caring about people, even with all the pain that comes with it. this time around i am just so afraid of getting hurt massively. for now everything is fine and i mostly experience positive emotions, but i think it was friday when i realized that a certain person basically holds my heart in their hand. and that is truly frightening. i am unsure of what to do. i don't even know what i actually want from them. this is very complicated. and on top of that, my crushes from england have completely died down! what do i make of this? jeez.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: blinding lights by the weeknd