koi's Journal

oversharing
l'oiseau

lately i've been feeling like i'm so desperate for attention, especially from these two specific males. been finding myself so close to posting some stupid shit on facebook just in hopes that they would see it and maybe even like my post... it's just pathetic. yesterday was valentine's day, which made me feel a thousand times more lonely than usual. i guess everyone has gone home for the reading week, so the halls are very quiet, but this also means that i feel incredibly alone. i know i should focus on myself and studies, since there is so much i should and could read, and yet here i am, thinking about guys who don't want me. i'm not saying i'm having an existential crisis...or am i? i genuinely cannot figure out why on earth no one likes me. do people just not like personality and authenticity? or maybe i am too much? or too shy, too introverted? or maybe i am cool as heck and people think i am out of their league? these fucking questions keep me up at night, every night. i don't even need to be in a relationship with either of these guys, i wish they could at least be good friends of mine, but since neither of them have ever asked me to hang out (it's always my initiative), i think i am officially giving up. of course i will still be head over heels for them when i meet them in person again, but i guess i have to start to slowly accept the fact that they just don't fancy me. just how? when will i finally find someone? this doesn't do good for my already low self esteem. i guess if i somehow ended up in a relationship, i'd be pretty distracted from my studies, but, truth be told, i am distracted anyway because i keep imagining unrealistic scenarios and obsessing over the guys. this is so sad, really. i wonder if they are aware that i like them, i'm guessing yes, because i've been pretty blunt. and maybe that's the reason they don't like me? maybe i appeared too interested too fast? fucks sake, what is my miserable life. have to accept my inevitably lonely life.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: stumblin' in by chris norman & suzi quatro