koi's Journal

well
l'oiseau

it has been quite some time. i even mentioned it in my last post, the fact that everything is very periodical (is that a word?) for me, i am obsessed with something for some time and then i just completely abandon it. i cannot guarantee that i am back on here or whatever. just felt like now was the right time to write down my thoughts. first thing that popped up in my head is that luna has not made a single post on here, and i created this acc for the both of us for her birthday, which was in late january. hurts just a little bit. i get that she is hella busy but... you can always find time. speaking about luna, it still stings how she spoke about her 15 or something friends so carelessly and then there is me... with 2 close friends... i do agree to what my best mate said, that it is better to have just a few super close friends, but then again, if they all are busy, i have no one to hang out with. which, in hindsight, is actually good for me (sometimes), because i do need my fare share of alone time. tomorrow i am going to see my therapist for the first time in a few months i think. i decided to go because a few days ago i had a couple mental breakdowns due to how i see myself in comparison to others (fellings of low-value). and also because i so badly want someone who could love me and whom i could love, but more than just a friend. sometimes it feels like there is a physical hole in me, and i think it has been there since my breakup, which was late august 2017. and regarding how i see myself - it is really hard to see any worth in myself, and it is something i have been dealing for many years now. i just think that every single one of my friends (close or not so close) is infinitely better than me (smarter, funnier, prettier etc., etc.) and i have not yet found a way to change this mindset. like, do not get me wrong, there are days when i think that i am killing it and that i look fierce or whatever, but the bad thoughts are always there, waiting to resurface at any time. i just read some posts on my other acc, and i had written there (like a year ago) that i am touch deprived, and it is still so true. just want someone to cuddle with, hug, tease etc. this post has been rather depressive so far, but actually i had a rather brilliant day yesterday. i went to bed at 2 am, could not fall asleep until 4, then woke up at 4.30 because of stomach issues and just decided to stay up. i watched the sunrise, finished a book, started learning about philosophy again, finished "dark" (an amazing tv show on netflix) and read a magazine before bed. it does not seem like much, but it was my most productive day in the whole summer. today so far has been just bleh, nothing. i sometimes cannot sleep because i worry about moving to reading soon, but i actually have a good gut feeling, like this is my path and i have to walk it, no matter how hard it might seem in the beginning. i know i can do this. i think that is it for now. bye

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: sos by abba