koi's Journal

나 자신을 사랑해
l'oiseau

i went to sleep past 1 am today. it was because i was so immersed in that book i mentioned reading, "fuck it". i remember seeing some reviews for this book which said that it was not anything ground-breaking, but i think it depends on at what point in life you stumble upon this book. i am still really young, so i feel like this book is a wake-up call that i can use fully because i do not even have a job yet and nothing in my life is planned out. i guess that if a person were to read this in their forties it would not be as useful as it is for me. i did a few exercises that were mentioned in that book, for example, i wrote down some things i love currently, some that i used to love and some that i can imagine myself loving in the future. the results kind of surprised me because they showed that i was living in the present more that in the past or the future; i wrote down 26 things i could think of that i love doing right now and only 4 things i could love in the future came to mind. i also wrote things that i dislike doing and realized i had found something a while ago that can help me with one of the things i dislike - i am not particularly keen on going out with my dog, but for like a month i have been listening to music whilst going out with her and it really is not such a pain in the ass anymore. i also wrote down a few things that i would do if there was no chance of failure, and, maybe surprisingly, those were - be in a band and/or write a book or a blog. my childhood dreams were to be a singer in a band (because i could never be solo, my vocal is not that great and i have a huge stage fright currently) or to be a successful writer. i never knew what i would want to write, but, judging from experience, i am the best at writing down the never-ending stream of thoughts that i have and explaining my reasoning behind them. so i guess it could be some kind of self-help or a motivational book but i am not at all entitled to write something like that now, because i am only 18. i also thought of putting together all of the scattered diaries i have had throughout the years to maybe kind of show my journey through life? it would also have some poetry i have written. but the thing is (and that is what the author of that "fuck it" book calls "yes, buts"), who on earth would want to read anything i have to say? like, why would anyone care about a nobody's life? i also wrote down in total 6 things that i would want to do, but am not doing yet: educate myself in philosophy, mythology, theater, psychology, literature etc.; become a polyglot; travel a lot, especially around Europe (but to other places as well); something related to music - learn to play an instrument, sing in a choir or ensemble again or join a band; write a successful book or blog and, lastly, teach others something that i am passionate about (basically become a teacher). i also wrote down three steps for kind of "achieving" all of these things, and, to be honest, some seem really just *too simple*, because for some i just have to start doing something. some were more challenging, because, regarding traveling, i have no idea whether i want to just go on a couple vacations a year, have a job that sends me abroad like, once a month or have a job that is based solemnly on traveling. the last option seems like it would not be for me, because where would my home be then, if i were to travel all the time? what about friends, family? i cannot sacrifice all that for just the sake of traveling and seeing places, but i want it to be a serious aspect of my life. i also wrote down the "yes, buts" for each of these 6 goals i mentioned, and i realized that the thing that worries me the most is the practical side, for example, if i were to write a book, would i be so successful that i could earn money from it? what if i do not earn anything? i want to live comfortably, you know. the last thing i want to mention - right before going to bed i wrote down two things that i absolutely cannot live without. those were - voicing out my opinion and thoughts by talking to others or writing it down either in a diary or on a platform like this, and the second was...singing. i cannot just stop singing. it is a huge part of me, i sing every day and all the time. i do not know why it is this way, but these are the two things that i absolutely CANNOT not do. it shocked me. très bien, retour à la lecture de mon livre.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: come on eileen by dexy's midnight runners