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Feb. 27th, 2010|10:38 am |
I'm not the kind guy who panics and runs at the first sign of trouble. I like to first check to make sure that the trouble is actually coming in my direction. I find this cuts down on a lot of unnecessary running.
The Top Most Important Moments in Office History
- January, 1990: Bill Gates has a flash of inspiration upon catching his secretary playing with a deck of cards.
- December, 1991: As the compliment regarding his secretary's new sweater -- the one sporting a picture of two playful puppies -- crosses his lips, Ben Winkel realizes a rubicon has been crossed.
- April, 1613: John Smith hires Pocahontas's brother to build a shed becoming the first person to outsource an American job to cheap Indian labor.
- October, 1968: The Lance Company produces its first batch of bright orange cheese crackers. Although a fire bankrupted the company the very next day, many of that first batch of crackers can still be found in office vending machines today.
- August, 1958: Xerox produces the first fully automated photocopier, freeing workers from the time-consuming task of reproducing their asses by hand.
The Top Rejected "Jeopardy!" Categories
- TV Sitcoms Starring Douchebags
- Highly Classified Military Intel
- Cross-Dressing Game Show Hosts
- Flatulence in Literature
- Ugly Rich Dudes With Hot Wives
- Impotent Notables
- Idiotic John Mayer Quotes
- Shit Nobody Knows
- Shows on Other Channels Right Now
The Top Classified Ads in The Hollywood Reporter
- Estate sale: Tattoo patterns, vials of blood, children (all races), formerly handsome actor with full beard. A.J. in L.A.
- Mr. Sheen looking for makeup artist specializing in mug shot touchup. Must be quick worker, available 24/7.
- Book for sale: Anger Management for Dummies. New, still in shink-wrap. Email alec@baldwin.com.
- Prodco looking for Best Boy. Must have at least four years experience as 2nd Best Boy, or Pretty Damn Good Boy with references.
- Seeking attractive, stable mate who is into fun times, big hats, surprises. No freaks. Respond, L. Gaga.
- New listing: Huge vacation home. No wait, *two* extra homes for sale. Oh yeah, that one, I forgot, THREE houses... Aw, hell, just ask for Nic.
- Southwest Airlines ticket. Never used. Contact K. Smith.
The Top Signs Your Sarcasm Was Taken Seriously
- "Guess what, honey? My parents are free Friday night, and they'd LOVE to go bowling!"
- Birthday present from Mom and Dad? That Air Supply boxed set you seemed so keen on.
- He's trying to get behind you. And he's kneeling. And puckering.
- "Thank you for your suggestion. You'll be happy to know that we at NBC already have Mr. Daly on our short list to be Mr. Leno's successor."
- Every time you open a drawer, cupboard or closet, you find a sticky note that says "Do you care?" or "Do you care now?" or "How about now?"
- People are calling you "Biscuit" and there's some greasy substance on your butt.
- St. Peter is laughing and holding the gate open.
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